I mull over ideas about where we might be headed for the next few miles, until Alyx calls for a break just as we turn onto another city block. They pass around larger jugs of water for us to all refill our own bottles, and makes sure everyone has something to eat. I get why Alyx was chosen as a leader. They’re strong, but caring.

  “Bathroom break, food and water, and then we’re heading out again in 20.” Alyx calls to the group before disappearing behind the side of a building. Again, not much room for privacy out here.

  I sit down and unpack one of the apples from my bag and a sandwich that the kitchen had packed that morning. I find a new book that Barclay must have put in my bag. It’s one I had read before, but I smile at the thought of him seeing it and thinking of me anyway.

  Eating my food, I grab the book I’m currently reading, and tune out everyone around me. If I’m not actively listening, I can stop the nightmares from coming. At least, that’s what I try to tell myself.

  It must work because I jump, startled, when the girl next to me nudges and asks if I had to use the restroom. I nod, and she tells me to hurry, that we’re leaving in three.

  I go around to the back of the building and do what I need to. When I return, most people are shrugging on their backpacks.

  We start running again and the next couple of hours go by with the steady beats of our feet hitting pavement. You can slowly tell as we move away from the centre of the city. The houses are smaller now, but with larger yards.

  Most of the properties out here have been abandoned. Or if there are people staying in the houses, we don’t see anyone as we pass by, following the road.

  We make our third stop of the day in a neighborhood I don’t recognize. Again, Alyx chooses a few houses with front steps that offer some shade from the late afternoon heat. We’re all sweating and tired by this point. Most of the chatter has quieted down, replaced by the sounds of people eating and drinking water. Some are sitting quietly and massaging out sore muslces, or inspecting their feet for any torn nails or blisters.

  Many of the group are like me, and this is the first long run they’ve done in a while. And for some, the folks who are newer, this is the first long run they’ve ever done. You can tell by the wary look in their eyes, the way they scan the others and the surrounding area. Looking for danger, watching to see what others react to.

  I know for myself, the first few times I went out, it was easy to compare how others look on the outside, to how awful I felt inside. The nerves get to you, plus the exertion of running when you’re not used to the distance. But it’s a newbie mistake. Even the seasoned folks are tired, sore, and cranky by this point. Everyone is in the same boat. And even if there are a few that aren’t sore yet, they will be by tomorrow, or the next day. We all hit out walls eventually.

  On the other hand, it also means that by the second or third day, some of the group will have adapted, while others will still be struggling. This is where Alyx will become the most important person in the group, to make sure that we keep a steady pace, and keep up morale of the whole team.

  “Hey, look out!” I stand up from the steps I’m sitting on as others around me turn to the voice. We see it immediately — a group has snuck up on one of ours, and has the guy in a headlock.

  We run towards him, but it’s too late. The enemy who has him in a headlock, dressed in jeans and t-shirt, slits the boy’s throat. His body drops to the ground and I am amazed by how loud his dead weight falling to the pavement is.

  “What do you want?” Alyx’s voice commands, and they’re posture is threatening. It’s striking how different this Alyx is to the one that talked to me earlier. I turn away from the houses, thinking I hear something, and I don’t even have time to shout as I grab the arm of another attacker and twist his wrist, taking the knife from him in the same motion.

  “Defensive positions!” Someone from the group calls out, and our people immediately assemble in a citcle, many catching other attackers off guard. I kick the one next to me behind the knees, and he cries out as he hits to the concerete hard. I don’t care.

  “What do you want?” I ask him. He shakes his head, and it’s in that motion that I realize he’s not that old. Not a child, but I’d be surprised if he was past twenty.

  “Not me.” He gestures with his chin forward, past Alyx, at the one who had killed the boy.

  The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

  I realize then that Alyx has started talking again with the other one, I assume he’s the other groups leader.

  “Rations, and knowledge of where you’re headed.” The leader yells. Alyx opens their arms wide, knife in hand, but a gesture of disbelief.

  “You kill one of ours without hesitation and think you’re in a position to barter for knowledge? How many of you are there?” Alyx asks.

  “Hundreds.” He answers immediately, but his eyes dart through our crowd at the six, maybe seven, others that we all have at knifepoint. No one else appears. I’m almost positive he’s lying, though I’m not sure that’s a chance our group can take.

  “Okay,” Alyx places their hands down by their side and shifts so only we can see the small gesture they make. Suddenly there’s a motion, and a metal clang. Someone’s knife missed and had richocheted off a railing on one of the steps. But there’s also a thud as someone’s knife hits its mark.

  In a breath we move together and kill everyone in our group. Quick and quiet. I close my eyes, and hate the feeling of blood pooling over my knuckles.

  It’s not the first time, but I know it’ll be one of the hardest for me. It’s almost senseless. Killing for no reason.

  I know that’s not true — they were a threat, but still. I know this feeling will stay with me for a long time. I turn away before opening my eyes, willing my eyes to stay unfocused, doing my best not to see the other bodies.

  “I’ll check him.” Bren offers from somewhere beside me as he dumps a small amount of water over my hands. We can’t afford to waste water, so I know some of the blood will remain until we get to camp tonight. But I want it off of my hands. I hate this feeling, but I know I can’t spare the water. So I have to push the panic away for now.

  “Thank you,” I tell Bren as he moves away. My voice is steady, but he must have seen it on my face. On one hand, I am grateful to Bren for doing this. On the other, I am all too aware of how this has shaken me, and how others appear fine. And yet, a small part of me, buried deep, is glad for this feeling. That this new world has not stripped me of all of my compassion yet.

  We pack up quickly after that. The additional items taken from our attackers are divided among us. Alyx looks grim — most of the group that surprised us had been even younger than the boy that I had grabbed. Someone picks up the pack that the fallen boy from our group had had. I learn his name was Gideon.

  Everyone is silent as we move onwards. Knowing that that was our last stop and that we need to make it to a safe house before nightfall. Alyx runs ahead still, but he is quieter too, only commenting or nodding when someone approaches him or speaks. I think back to what had crossed my mind before.

  We have not lost our compassion yet. And despite the tragedy, I think that it’s at least something worth holding onto.

  By the time we reach the safe house, thankfully with no more encounters, the blood has caked onto my hands, and the skin is itchy. I try to ignore it but the need to wash my hands grows, and as soon as we all enter the house, I barely wait for Alyx to give the signal before I am running to where they have indicated the water barrels are kept.

  I scrub at my hands until my skin is flushed, but I cannot get rid of the feeling of it on my skin. I don’t know how long I sit in that back room, not even using the water anymore, before Amber comes to find me.

  She washes her hands as well, and then sits next to me. Eventually she speaks, but her voice is quiet.

  “Alyx says dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Just some porridge and berries, but at least it will be a hot meal.” She says and stands, walking towards the door. She hesitates for a minute, but then shrugs and shuts the door behind her.

  Strangely, I actually like that she didn’t ask if I was okay.

  Eventually, I hear noise out in the living room, and venture out. Someone shoves a bowl of hot mush with some dried cranberries and what looks like pecans on top. I find a corner and sit against the wall as others I don’t know well join around me. The mood has shifted now with the joy of a hot meal.

  It’s all jostling and loud, but I don’t mind. It’s a good distraction, and the meal almost tastes like dessert.

  “We go from here to the Barrel, then we’re looking for it.” Alyx is standing around a table in the kitchen behind me, and judging by the conversation, they’re looking at a map. “We’re going to send in Teams three and four here, into this farm building. Then Teams one and two will come with me to the cellar.”

  “No,” I think I say it out loud, but it doesn’t matter. There’s pain in my neck and I want to scream. I clench my teeth so hard, I think I’m biting into my cheek. But the pain also helps clear my head, and suddenly, I am back in the living room, sitting on the floor, my oatmeal poured into my lap.

  I stand as gingerly as possible, hoping no one noticed, but everyone seemed to absorbed in their old conversation that no one notices when I place my bowl on one of the kitchen counters and sneak into the yard with my bag.

  This place is a farmhouse, more or less. The city is off to my right somewhere, but without light, I can’t see its outline. There’s fencing around the property, with fruit trees and a garden. I wonder for a moment if they have animals, though I didn’t see or hear any on my way in.

  I strip quickly, changing into a pair of sweats as I expect we’ll be sleeping soon. The memory of my neck burning sticks with me and I wonder who I’ll see tonight. Alyx — or someone else?

  Then my mind thinks of Barclay. Will he wake up tonight with me, feeling everything I feel? Or does the distance diminish the connection?

  I think about staying up, but I know from experience that sleep will eventually claim me, and the nightmares seem to somehow be even more vivid when I am fighting against them.

  So I spend a few minutes breathing in the country air, and wonder what kind of people lived here before. It must have been at least two people to maintain this amount of land, I think. Alyx calls out eventually that it’s time to sleep, and I go inside, laying out my mat, blanket and pillow, and curl up, dread filling me as I close my eyes.