The morning came and went, and by the time I ended up leaving home, the sun was already past its zenith and now slowly drifting back down to the horizon. I left with new clothes, a new bag, and a slight dull pain in my chest, cooled slightly by the healing poultice and then exacerbated in turn by the hug that my mother had seized me in before I left. I’d happily welcomed that pain, and felt a different sort of ache in my chest as my home slowly faded behind me, stalls and houses fading behind a hill filled with noisy sheep, and that same hill slowly disappearing behind the treeline where the fields and pastures finally ended.

  I felt a nudge at my shoulder, and turned to Isabella, who just smiled reassuringly. “They’ll be alright.”

  I slowly exhaled. “I hope so. I’m still worried about Chin. Someone with a grudge like that isn’t going to give up on getting back at me.”

  Isabella shook her head firmly. “I think he’ll find a hole to crawl into for a while. And by the time he comes out, the only thing he’ll know is to look around for someone called ‘Gareth’.” Isabella’s smile cracked a bit wider. “I wish I could be there to see that meeting.”

  “Guess I’m still worried about my mom and dad,” I admitted. “A bandit raid like this is going to draw the Sect’s eyes.”

  “Your home’s not about to rat you out, and the only one who’d otherwise tell them has run with his tail between his legs.” Isabella nudged my shoulder again. “They’ll be okay, Ryan.”

  “Right.” I sighed, looking back to the trees that had just covered my last glimpse of home. “You’re right,” I said again, turning to look forward to the road ahead. “They’ll be okay. Let’s go find this elder.”

  “Great. So, we’re just gonna follow the road?” The avatar of Death fell in by my side, swinging her scythe around to balance across her shoulders, her arms hooked over the shaft. “You’d figure some big fancy cultivator would be flying off.”

  “If that cultivator already feels like strolling through a place like this, then I’m sure he’s hardly about to take off any time soon.” I frowned. “Besides, I don’t think he was all there, you know?”

  “You mean like crazy?”

  I blinked back at her. “You didn’t notice?”

  Isabella shook her head. “I didn’t even notice him at until he was talking to Stag. I mentioned it, right? He was right there, but I couldn’t even recognise his soul.” Isabella shuddered. “But you’re not just talking about how powerful he was, are you?”

  “No. Well, not like that.” I thought about the old monster, who’d turned his gaze down towards where I laid before him and stared straight through me. “Cultivators as powerful as that are always distant. Sometimes they’re aloof, but even if they’re kind, they do it more out of habit than anything else.”

  Most of the other Elders that I had been exposed to through the Sect were like that, if not quite so bad. The wise old grandfathers who smiled and offered sage advice to newcomers quickly lost their luster when you realised that they’d effectively never remember your face or your name if you came back to them for more help. And why would they? Those ancient Elders had spent so many years watching Outer Disciples come and go, and only the rare few ever joined their ranks.

  The other example of Elder weirdness that came to mind was Doctor Lei. The Witch Doctor had never actively shown any techniques to me beyond simple medical ones, which required more in the way of finesse than sheer raw power, but the very nature of his expertise and experience was readily apparent through the casual way he assigned a value to your every organ. But at least in Doctor Lei’s case, he had an immediate, personal appreciation of your worth as an individual, even if it was material in some senses.

  The only senior who I could even think of as a person and not just a person-shaped bonfire of qi and eccentricity was Brother Yun. It felt weird to say that I had an easier time relating to the gigantic ape, but it was the truth. The ape-like cultivator may have been larger than life in some ways, but in those first months, I’d grown to appreciate his advice that was less ‘flow with the river’ and more ‘that book is a waste of your time, go punch this tree instead’. That, alongside actually remembering my name put him ahead of the rest of the Sect by miles.

  “The truth is that cultivators like that don’t need anything like a flying artifact to have their head in the clouds,” I continued. “And even if we walk the same earth, we’re so far beneath them that we might as well be ants.”

  While it put the rogue elder’s behaviour in context with his peers, the sheer strangeness of the interaction was still beyond anything I’d seen before. Being stared at like an insect was almost the norm, in a strange way. Amusement, annoyance, and occasionally benevolence like when you used a bowl to move a spider you found hidden within your sleeping mat. But the old man had looked at me in the exact same way that he’d looked at Stag; with no feeling at all.

  “You mentioned you didn’t notice him, right?” I eventually asked. “You said his soul was like a mountain. Was it…distant? Far away?”

  “Except Stag’s soul was normal, and I couldn’t reap his soul either,” Isabella pointed out. “He was clearly more powerful than Stag anyway. Maybe just more cultivation does that to your soul.”

  “Of course,” I muttered, trying to think of another idea. “He must’ve taken a further Step beyond Soul Anchoring. Have you ever seen someone else’s soul like that? Did you notice any other details?”

  “Well…” Isabella thought for a moment. “The Librarian’s soul was a bit like that, though-” Isabella grimaced, before shaking her head. “It’s hard to compare them.”

  “ soul?” I blinked in surprise. “You’re talking about Brother Yun, the ape, right? soul was similar?”

  “Did you meet any Librarians with me?” Isabella drawled. “And why are you surprised? You said he was strong, didn’t you?”

  “Of course Brother Yun is strong!” I protested. “But he’s not . Are you sure their souls are the same?”

  Isabella threw her hands up with a scoff. “You said Yun was cursed, right? Maybe this old guy got cursed too. And no, I’m sure they’re the same, because I was a bit more preoccupied at the time with watching you about to get ”

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  I faltered slightly at the sharp words. “Right. You’re right. I’m sorry. I just-” I rubbed my hands against my face. “Nothing makes sense. I feel like there’s so many secrets to cultivation, and everything I learn just puts me further back. Is that insanity just something that happens to cultivators? Why does Brother Yun look like an ape, and why is he still less of a monster than some old man?” I exhaled through my teeth.

  “I mean, you’re already jumping off cliffs to your death.”

  Isabella coughed, looking away from my glare.

  I kept it up for a few moments more, before taking another breath and letting it out slowly, trying to recover my balance. “Okay. What’s another secret for the pile? We have to figure it all out anyway. So Yun’s soul looks like this old guy’s. You said it was grey, too. Anything else?”

  “Not much.” Isabella’s lips twisted. “I only got a glance, when I finally noticed him. And then I was a bit more concerned with you, after he killed Stag.”

  “...Fair enough.”

  Isabella sighed, before pointing out towards the road. “Listen, we’re not going to figure anything else out by standing around. I’ll get another look at him when we catch up, and I can try to tell you more about his soul. We’ll figure it out from there, okay?”

  I silently nodded, and at Isabella’s gesture started walking again. As the crunch of the road underfoot swallowed up any other sound, I felt my mind turn back towards the Sect, to where Brother Yun was still working. For the briefest of moments, I contemplated whether or not the Senior Librarian was just as insane as the rest of them.

  I cleared my head of the thought. But the thought of Yun trapped in the Library by a Sect that hated him continued to linger in my mind. He’d said the Sect had betrayed him, and his whole conversation with Gareth rang in my mind. Had they locked him away because he knew something, or because they’d done something to him? Had someone done something similar to the cultivator we were following? Was it something that would happen to ?

  I glanced up at Isabella at my side. She marched at an easy pace, elbows propped up by the scythe’s haft and forearms hanging loose over the other side. She held her head high and looked off down the road, committed to our current path, and despite everything, she seemed…not quite peaceful, nor indifferent, but relaxed, and ready for whatever came.

  “Hmm?” At some loose thought, she tilted her head towards me quizzically. “You say something?”

  My mind descended back into a wordless mess for a moment as I tried to figure out what I even to say. After years without seeing my family, I’d generally resigned myself to the fate of cultivators; to reach the Heavens, or die trying. Even meeting Isabella had just seemed like a continuation of that, with the glorious opportunity to die trying more than just once. Coming home was just meant to be a goodbye, so I could walk the path ahead with my head held just as high as Isabella’s.

  I’d instead returned home and found myself living a few blissful days of peace. Helping dad with the lambs, mom with the laundry, catching up with friends I hadn’t thought of and aunts and uncles who’d eagerly welcomed me back into their arms with a laugh, without any care that I’d abandoned them for years. All that mattered was that I’d come home.

  “Oi.” Isabella’s fingers snapped in front of my face, and I’d realised I’d come to a stop again. The avatar of Death raised an eyebrow. “Come on, you’re still worried about them?”

  “No.” I laughed, catching it in my throat when it threatened to devolve into something worse. “You know, that’s not what I’m worried about at all.”

  I’d left the village the first time around so eager, so happy to go somewhere bigger and better than a little old village along the First Son. I’d been so excited to become a cultivator, to be , staring off to the Seven Falls in the distance. Now, leaving for the second time, my eyes laid lower, looking beyond the trees to a home I didn’t know if I’d ever see again.

  Six months of feverish advancement. Two and a half of onerous, grinding subservience. A week of insane, world-shattering revelation and multiple moments where I’d been pushed to the very limits of mortality.

  “I don’t want to die.”

  And coming home was enough to finally rattle me out of the lie I’d embraced from the moment I’d learnt I could be a cultivator.

  “I’m a coward,” I told a wide-eyed Isabella, choking on another laugh. “It’s the only thing that’s kept me alive this entire time. I groveled at the feet of my betters, I ran and hid from the people who wanted me dead, and I fight only when I’m like a cornered rat with no other options. What use is a rat that can only fight for three seconds?”” I swallowed. “I don’t know if I have it in me to go back to that.”

  “Ryan.” Suddenly, I was seized by my new shirt and pulled low to meet Isabella’s eyes. They stared into mine with an incredible focus. “Do you truly think being scared of death makes you a coward?”

  “Y-yes?”

  “Then you can lay the same at the feet of ,” Isabella shook me slightly with the emphasis. “And you’ve begged, and escaped, and fought for your life just the same as everyone else. That doesn’t make you a coward, it makes you .”

  “That doesn’t make me any less scared, though.”

  Isabella just smiled sadly at me, letting go of my shirt. “I know. And I’m sorry. But one day, it’s going to happen. One day, you’re going to die, and your soul is going to return to the Cycle, along with everyone else’s from your home. You know that, don’t you?”

  Another laugh escaped me. “I’m not sure if this is intended to be reassuring.”

  “Being scared of death is human. is human. Or, mortal, I suppose.” The embodiment of Death kicked at the scythe’s haft. “I know I’m mortal. Once I clock out, then my clock’s out too.” Isabella caught my gaze again. “I said it before, about cultivators. They refuse to accept death, and don’t understand the point of life. Not like you, Ryan.”

  I shook my head. “My life is suffering at the Sect and getting ripped apart by cultivators. That’s not a life at all.”

  “No, it wasn’t,” Isabella agreed. “But not because of the suffering. Life is about what you felt when you came back home, to that village where everyone knew you, and loved you. And it’s about this feeling you have right now, about having to leave it all behind, to return to that suffering you’ve endured for so long. Life is about what you have to .”

  Up in the Sect, so far from home, I’d been so willing to throw my life away for a chance at advancement. The Sect had dangled the reward of the Inner Sect in the face of every last grey-robed newcomer, promising the riches that awaited them if they just pushed through mortality and reached for the Heavens. But for every noble who had the coin and connections to wear the blue, there had been hundreds more from common backgrounds who had to brutally force their way into the same robes; I’d just been one more. I hadn’t been the only one completing Sect assignments and carefully hoarding wealth, after all.

  The Sect pushed Outer Disciples into grueling cultivation because it worked; in the same breath, the Sect also stripped away any thought of home that any of those disciples had, all while reinforcing the fear they had of running out of time. , they had said directly to us. , they’d silently suggested.

  I shifted my feet, feeling gravel grind beneath my shoes. I looked out across the quiet woods, birdsong chirping in the afternoon air. Once more I looked behind me, to the home hidden behind the trees that I’d nearly thrown away, just for a cold and unfeeling Heaven above. I finally turned to Isabella, and gave her a slight smile. “You’ve got a way with words, you know?”

  “I’ve had a while to think on it,” Isabella accepted the compliment easily, before gesturing to the road. “Shall we?”

  “Yeah.” We started walking once more, the road crunching underfoot. “And thanks again, by the way.”

  Isabella hummed. “What for?”

  “You said you were more concerned with me than the old cultivator. And you’ve been looking out for me for a while.” I clicked my tongue. “A hell of a lot more than that, actually. So thank you. And, I’ll try to take better care of myself.” I glanced back along the path towards home, then at Isabella, and then to the road ahead with a smile.

  Death sighed. “Unbelievable. You just think something like that without even a hint of shame.”

  “I’m hardly about to die of embarrassment anytime soon!” I laughed as I broke into a jog. “Now come on, let’s go find this old monster!” We picked up the pace, me chuckling and Isabella half-heartedly attempting to poke my back with the scythe, home fading into the distance behind us.