[ You have been locked out of all neutral areas.

  Survive for 10 minutes and claim your prize!

  Time Remaining: (00:09:59) ]

  SkullGirl33 4:28 PM

  We just got kicked out of Dandy's? Like, teleported outside.

  What was that?

  VVVVVV 4:28 PM

  You got that weird message, right? Nobody else in my party did.

  I was already moving. "We gotta go!"

  Chaz got to his feet and drew his sword (the cool way.) "Got it!"

  We hurried up the escalator and circled around to Dandy's on the south side. We were about to get fucked, I could feel it.

  Kara and Lex were standing outside the item shop, looking worried.

  "We can't get back in," Kara said, knocking on the air in front of Dandy's store. A force field that wasn't there before faded into view around her knuckles.

  "Well—" I began.

  A PA system inside the store crackled, and the alien yelled at us from the counter.

  "STOP GABBING AND RUN, BOY!"

  A creature burst into the plaza from the southeast exit.

  It was a realistic version of the D-Bran mascot. It had purple fur, a tiger's body, a lion's snarling head, and a mane of feathers. A scorpion-like tail swayed behind it. It wasn't wearing sneakers or sunglasses though. I wasn't sure if it was because this was the realistic version, or if it was just that nobody made those for car-sized monsters.

  [ THE BRANTICORE (ELITE), Lvl. 20 ]

  It opened its fanged maw and unleashed a roar that silenced the whole plaza.

  To the northeast, a survivor who'd left Huge W for the bathroom yelped and panic-fired his crossbow.

  The bolt tapped the Branticore and dropped off like a badly-thrown dart. A tiny fraction of a sliver of health blipped off its enormous health bar.

  It turned its head towards the newcomer, and snarled.

  "Grrr..."

  The unlucky survivor no longer had to use the bathroom. He bolted for Huge W, the Branticore leaping after him.

  My legs finally remembered that we should be running. "Oh fuck!"

  Screams rang out behind us as we ran into this level's barricade. I got there first and hurriedly shoved aside the part that let us squeeze out.

  VKlerk87 4:29 PM

  DON'T ATTACK THE PURPLE MONSTER! If you do it'll focus on you!

  Unless you have an idea for helping Will, go to a safe room!

  VVVVVV 4:29 PM

  What the hell? Where are you guys?

  WillT 4:29 PM

  Level 2, running from Dandy's!

  VVVVVV 4:29 PM

  Okay, coming! Keep going west!

  Central plaza. We'd kind of left this place alone after clearing the Mog-Aglog Lair on the other side of the concourse, and now the Expired were wandering everywhere. They were spread thinner than downstairs though, and we were able to run through them. Those that got too close were shoved aside before they could bite.

  "How is this fair?!" Kara yelled. "It was just cereal!"

  We were coming up on the cleared Lair by the time we saw Val. The teens came from the west plaza, roaring through the Expired on souped-up scooters they'd stolen from the Scooterheads. Baz was at the front on the new Rozinante, a bright red scooter with a hard glass shield. They executed a perfect Akira slide in front of us as the other teens pulled up, and gestured at the back of their scooter.

  "Come on!"

  The others had to stand on the back of the scooters and grip the seat awkwardly. It looked awkward as hell. I grabbed Val's seat with Khan, popped out my skates, and started skitching behind her.

  "So what is this thing?" Val asked. "Can we take it?"

  The barricade behind us burst open as the Branticore slammed straight through it.

  "ROAR!"

  "You wanna try?" I asked.

  Val spun her scooter around. "Never mind!"

  We roared away into the west plaza as I tried to think. Just over eight minutes.

  The west plaza was fucked.

  It was bigger than the east plaza, and much more impressive. The open space in the middle was lined with pillars and fake plants in round concrete pots, and the ceiling above was vaulted glass. The lighting was a little more natural, too. On the bottom floor, a small (probably fake) tree sat in the middle of some tables and benches.

  At least, that's how it was supposed to look. Now real foliage burst out of the pots, covering the place in ferns and vines. Real trees had apparently burst from the floor, their leafy branches filling the second level. The down escalators were near us, on the southeast corner, but I couldn't see anything down there through the leaves. There were a lot more Expired here, but the Branticore and The Deal With This Foliage were occupying too much space in my mind.

  "What the hell happened here?"

  "A lot," Val said, as the group blew past the escalators. "Downstairs is the danger zone!"

  The Branticore stomped after us, sending Expired flying with every swing of its paws. One zombie was caught in a claw and eviscerated.

  We held on tight as the teens hit the other end of the plaza, turned sharply, and raced up the travelators to the next level.

  My mind raced. We were outrunning the Branticore, but it didn't seem to be trying too hard. Either it got stronger over time or it was screwing with us. Fantastic.

  What did we have? The Heal Herring wore off an hour ago and my Stabchop was on cooldown, not that I wanted to fight anyway. We used up most of the shoplin potions besides the glue and one of the explosives. Maybe we could stick it to something? Yeah, right. I still had a scroll of Find Store (Tack Shop), but I had no idea where I'd end up and it would hurt like hell anyway. I could try getting my axe out of the Emergency Box, but Lex had it in Snakpak.

  Shit shit shit.

  We bounced onto the third level and raced towards the east plaza. The Branticore was already running up after us.

  "Maybe we should split up," Kara suggested.

  "Whoever it chases is probably cooked though," Chaz pointed out.

  The first idea slid into my brain.

  "Go to Bullseye, I got an idea!" I said.

  WillT 4:30 PM

  Heads up, we're passing Bullseye!

  VKlerk87 4:30 PM

  Clear!

  We returned to the east plaza. Past Bullseye, the rope Raven had laid down during the porc raid still hung above the escalator landing.

  "It can't climb that," I said.

  Val risked a look over her shoulder. "It's too close to get everyone up there!"

  "Do Lex, we'll go around and come back!"

  Lex nodded. Baz slowed down as they took the corner, giving Lex time to grab the rope and start climbing.

  "I'm getting off too!" Chaz said, and ditched Red's scooter.

  "What? Why?!"

  Chaz didn't answer, he just turned invisible.

  "God damn it, Chaz!"

  "Fine, I'm out!" Red said, and turned back towards the Bullseye safe zone. She wasn't a target.

  The teens kept going, looping back around the plaza. I risked a look behind us. The elevator next to Bullseye had been open, but now it was closing. Nobody was inside—visibly. Clever.

  Lex was frantically scrambling up the rope as the Branticore skidded to a halt beneath it. It looked up at her, looked at us, grinned...

  It grabbed the rope in a paw and yanked hard. The rope snapped.

  Lex didn't fall. Thanks to her wall-climbing sneakers, she was standing on the side of the enclosure.

  The Branticore stared at the rope, growled, flipped her off, and returned to the chase.

  If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

  It was screwing with us. Fantastic.

  Lexy 4:31 PM

  What do I do now?

  WillT 4:31 PM

  Go climb a building!

  Raven, can you clear the bats?

  Shirokage428 4:31 PM

  And throw me a new rope if you can!

  GrindSetBonus 4:31 PM

  You know it. Give me sixty seconds.

  "So cool," Kara muttered, despite the fact that Raven was definitely saying "damn, that sounded so cool!" to herself right now.

  "It's catching up," Val warned.

  It was, little by little. The best-case scenario now was that the Branticore got faster the longer this went on. If so, it would be upon us in a minute. I hoped that was true, because the alternative was that it could catch up any time it wanted and was doing this as a bit.

  Screw it. As the remaining scooters crossed the mall again, I pulled myself onto the back of Val's scooter so I could gamble on some crates. I had three keys, and I awkwardly pressed the crates against my chest as I fumbled for them.

  Boss crate first. WARCRIMES, Contrasht, .CYBERCULT. Contrasht seemed to have the most variety, so I tried that.

  [ EPIC! A Contrasht Popdroid: Yuzumaki (Glow in the Dark)!

  This fragrant variant Popdroid will replicate the effects of any one Ninja Fruits Popdroid. You can change which one once per day. Collect all five variant Ninja Fruits if you're a real sick freak. ]

  Damn it. Okay. Gold Starter Crate.

  [ You've received a ZETTAMALL? Gold Pet Coupon! This coupon entitles you to one free pet from any Pet Shop! Expires in 1 month. ]

  Pest Control crate, fuck.

  [ You've received a ToyBro Plush Mallbat! Go to sleep hugging this soft friend, and you'll rest better. ]

  "Hi, new fwiend!" the plushie said.

  I was carrying too much, so I threw it over my shoulder.

  "You motherfucker!" it cried as it sailed away.

  Maybe it was time to think about splitting up. There was an elevator to the roof in the west plaza. If I could goad it into chasing me, I could buy time with the Tack Shop scroll—

  Daddy_Big_Pants 4:32 PM

  So a monster's chasing you? Lol! Get wrecked, idiot.

  I'm on business in Kevin's. How far do I have to run to watch you die?

  Wait a minute.

  "Where's Kevin's?" I asked. "Is that new?"

  "It's a pop-up store!" Kara said. "Up ahead!"

  "You seriously wanna go there?" Baz asked.

  "Right now," I said. "Lead the way!"

  Baz charged ahead, clearing a path through the undead with Rozinante as we raced down the west plaza. There were a couple of huge clothing stores at the end, and Kevin's Gospel Pianos was the last store before them on the left side.

  We turned inside. The store was lined with digital pianos, some in sleek wooden stands, with shelves of sheet music and Christian iconography stuffed between them. Big Pants and some other pricks in track suits were in here, looting some corpses riddled with arrows. He'd uncovered his face, revealing a surprisingly normal-looking guy with a neat dark moustache and thinning hair.

  Baz blasted into the store ahead of us and knocked some green-haired dude with soul patch into a shelf. Ornamental Jesuses rained down.

  "Ow! Fuck!"

  "Hey, Pee Pants!" I said cheerfully.

  Big Pants stared. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

  The Branticore skidded to a stop on the tiles in front of the store.

  I knew where Big Pants' base was, and this wasn't it. I was certain he wasn't in his safe room, and I was pretty sure he hadn't warned his allies yet either.

  "Wait!" he said, but he'd realised what was going on slightly too late. His buddies were already firing.

  "Jesus Christ!"

  "Kill it!"

  The shots did nothing. The once again Branticore froze, shifted its gaze to its attackers, and snarled.

  We wouldn't have long. We abandoned the scooters and dived under a table as it charged. I rolled to the other side of the store and ran out, to the sound of crashing pianos and screams.

  "AAH! WHY WON'T IT DIE?!"

  "Wait! I'll stop attacking—MY EYE! IT STUNG MY EYE!!"

  "MY PASTOR WAS RIGHT! I REGRET EVERYTHING!"

  "STOP! STOP! HE'S ALREADY DEAD!"

  "MY OTHER EYE!!"

  I skated ahead, smashing Expired out of the way as I circled the plaza. An elevator sat on the northeast side of the open space, and its glass shaft had kept the rampant tree growth out. The button worked.

  "You're kind of evil, for real," Kara said as the others caught up.

  "Fuck him," I said. "He took a bot for killing people."

  "Yeah, but we knew nothing about those other guys," Kara teased.

  A new achievement popped up as I considered this.

  [ I'm Not Touching You!

  Cause the death of another customer in a way that doesn't technically count as murder, and therefore doesn't qualify you for Blood Friday deals.

  Reward: Death Daddy I Didn't Not Do It Crate ]

  Okay, so that might haunt me later. But I had other things to worry about now, so I jumped into the elevator.

  "Was that a church piano store?"

  Kara nodded. "Yep."

  "Who the hell is going to the mall for church pianos?"

  "Not many people. That's why it's a pop-up, Will."

  We stepped out onto the rooftop and crossed the mall yet again, leaving Joe in the arcade on the way and moving on to the taxi stand. Big Pants was screaming at me in Zettachat, but I ignored it.

  Daddy_Big_Pants 4:34 PM

  I'LL KILL YOU!

  Freshly-slain Mallbatz littered the taxi stand. Raven and Chaz were here, looking upward. Lex was standing on the cinema wall above; her hair and clothes still obeyed gravity, but she was stable.

  Raven nodded. "Yo."

  "She's probably safe," Chaz said. "Are we?"

  "Not yet," Kara said, nervously fiddling with her bow and the final explosive potion. "It can still come up through the car park."

  "Then we gotta move," I said, tossing Chaz the Popdroid. He whooped and dabbed. "Baz, can you help us out one more time?"

  "Sure, what's up?" Baz asked.

  The taxi with the Mallbat inside was still here. I opened it up and dumped the bat corpse out.

  Baz picked up what I was putting down and ran around to the driver's seat. "On it!"

  "I'm staying here!" Lex called down.

  "Then can you toss me my emergency axe?" I called back.

  She pushed its case out of Snakpak and disappeared onto the roof. It obeyed gravity the second she let go. I stepped back as it smashed into the ground, then yanked the axe out.

  If its benefits depended on my current situation, the best time to open it was when I was in deep shit...

  [ EPIC! A DarkSpire Occultech Series Lambda Emergency Axe (Speed Freak)! This axe's damage increases with your Speed. While it's equipped, your Speed bonuses are doubled at low HP. It also deals extra damage to doors. ]

  Good enough. The damage would mean nothing to the Branticore, but maybe I could outrun it if someone punched me in the face enough times.

  The others were piling into the car already. I hopped into the front passenger seat as Baz activated Rozinante. The taxi went through the same changes as the bus and the scooter, with a new tough exterior and a red-and-black recolour. The engine fired itself up. Just over two minutes.

  Something roared in the distance. The Branticore was coming.

  Udon Quixote laughed. "Tally ho!"

  The tires squealed as Baz flew out of the taxi stand, hugging the outer wall. There was a ramp leading down in the southeast corner, but the taxi blew right past it.

  "Lair down there," they said. "Gotta take the next one."

  A flapping sound and a roar made me look up. The Branticore was approaching from the west, but not from the ground—it had sprouted an enormous pair of leathery wings, and was flying towards us. It must have leapt through a ceiling.

  The next ramp down was in the middle of the car park, closer to the Branticore. We were practically driving towards it.

  "Can you make it?"

  "No sweat—shit!"

  Baz's eyes widened, and they swerved just in time to dodge a fireball as it blasted into the ground. The Branticore was finally revealing its trump cards.

  They'd been forced to turn early, before we hit the ramp. The taxi rocked as a stray fireball exploded a nearby car, and Baz was forced to turn again. Now we were heading back towards the taxi stand.

  "I can still go around," they said. "Maybe—"

  The ground erupted. The Branticore had landed a hit on the back.

  Baz lost control, and there wasn't enough room to get it back. We screamed as the taxi careened sideways into the car park's outer wall.

  The Branticore landed nearby, cutting off our ramp access. Was that a smirk? It was fucking smirking at us. Come on, man.

  Only one way out. Baz threw the taxi into reverse and bounced backwards into the taxi stand. "Fuuuck!"

  I checked behind us. Lex was standing at the very top of the wall, holding...

  "Stop!" I said.

  Baz didn't. "Excuse me?"

  "Stop the car!"

  Baz hit the brakes. We were almost exactly back where we started. The Branticore was still bounding towards us.

  "We can tank maybe one more hit," Baz warned.

  Kara shook my seat. Being rattled around inside the taxi hadn't improved her mood. "What's wrong with you?!"

  "It's an easier shot if it's not moving," I said. "Can I have the potion, just in case?"

  She handed it over. "Fine, I trust you!"

  The Branticore stopped in front of us, grinned, and opened its maw. A pilot light gleamed inside...

  Another bolt plinked off its side harmlessly. This one glowed.

  VWORP!

  I didn't know what an "elite" was, but it wasn't a boss. Lex's Dropship Bolt easily swapped her position with the Branticore's. She dropped to the ground in front of us, while the very surprised Branticore appeared next to a roof...

  "Get in!" I shouted.

  The Branticore roared as it Wile E. Coyote'd down to the ground. The building wasn't that tall, but it bought us a few seconds. Lex jumped into the back, and Baz didn't even wait for her to close the door or figure out where she was sitting before accelerating.

  The taxi zoomed around the outer wall again. We held on tight as Baz turned, pushed ahead, pulled into the ramp—

  The Branticore leapt down from the sky in front of us and landed on the front of the taxi.

  The bulky beast slammed its paws into the hood and stopped us easily, flinging us forward. Its claws dug into the hood before Baz could reverse.

  It roared. At the start it just looked hungry. Now it was pissed.

  Ten seconds.

  As it opened its mouth to breathe a point-blank fireball, I stuck my arm out the window and threw the potion.

  BOOM!

  Rozinante saved us from being showered with windshield glass, but it still cracked. The Branticore was barely scratched too, but it got rocked enough to make it let go.

  It staggered down the ramp. Baz threw the taxi into reverse, spun the car around at dangerous speeds, and zoomed away again.

  Come on, come on, no more tricks...

  The system window with my timer exploded into confetti.

  [ Wizard's Treats: Breakfast Beast

  Summon the Branticore and live to tell the tale.

  Reward: Wizard's Treats Branticore Merch Crate

  Too Young To Die

  Survive a Brand Challenge in the tutorial.

  Reward: Limited Edition OddBot Crate ]

  I collapsed back into my seat in relief. "Holy shit. Ten minutes. We did it."

  Chaz laughed. "Hell yeah! Let's never do that again!"

  "Thanks, Baz," Val said.

  Baz slowed to a stop in front of the restaurant area and switched the engine off.

  The Branticore landed in front of us.

  Val jumped. "Shit!"

  Baz fired up the engine again. I held out my hand.

  "No, wait."

  I had a new window.

  [ The BRANTICORE is here to hang out. ]

  The Blues Brothers twice now, for a similar reason.