A lot of things happened at once.

  Magic stumbled backward, clutching his nose. Armsleeves and Catlegs rushed forward to defend him. Chaz vanished in a puff of smoke. Spud stumbled awkwardly to his feet. Tad stepped towards Lex, grinned, and raised his mace.

  Lex spun and planted a back kick straight into his crotch.

  "HNGH!" Tad's mace clattered to the floor as he dropped, and Lex dived for it.

  Time to move. I retracted my metal arm and slapped Spud with my shield on the way, knocking his glasses off his head, then threw the dump truck at him with my flesh hand for good measure.

  "Ow!"

  There were five of them and three of us—for now. I knew Chaz well enough to know he was setting something up, and Val was on the way. All we had to do was stall.

  Kara twirled her spear and pointed it at them, jabbing at the air. "Stay back, jerks!" she screamed. "I got First Blood! I'll kill you!"

  Magic and his friends backed off nervously, but they wouldn't stay back forever. I rushed forward and slammed into Spud, knocking him over.

  "Stay down!" I pulled out my wrench and turned to help the others.

  Spud rolled to the side, pulled back a sleeve to reveal a robotic centipede wrapped around his wrist, and pointed it at my legs.

  "Twistipede, get him!"

  Thwip! A giant twist-tie shot out and wrapped itself around my ankles. I crashed to the floor.

  "Haha, get twisted!" the centipede said.

  Spud kneeled over me and grabbed at my wrists. I tried to fight him off.

  "More like you stay down, haha!"

  Magic spat out a tooth and scowled at Kara. "We handled this whole store, witch! We can handle you! Get her!"

  Catlegs hesitated. "Uh, just capturing her, right?"

  "I got it," Armsleeves said, stepping forward. "Hi, I'm Dora."

  Kara glared. "And you hang out with these losers?"

  "Tad's my brother. Anyway, I'm not like you girls..."

  Dora's arms suddenly extended. Kara leapt back as a pair of cybernetic snake mouths snapped at the space she'd been occupying.

  Dora pressed the attack. "I have Snake Arms! Ahahaha!"

  Catlegs tried to circle Kara, but Lex leapt forward with Tad's mace and forced him back again. She deployed a Smak Rak just in case, and Dora stopped in her tracks.

  Tad got onto one knee, his left eye glowing yellow. "Her shield… only blocks ranged attacks..."

  Lex froze. "How did you..."

  "I got a good bot, femoid," he snapped.

  "Bad news for you, bitch," Dora said, as her snake hand flew through the shield and bit Lex's leg.

  She stumbled and fell. "Ugh... what..."

  Dora cackled. "Enjoy paralysis!"

  Kara raised her spear threateningly. "Little help, Will?"

  "Be with you in a minute!" I said, straining. Spud was trying to pry my shield away.

  "More like a forever, haha," Spud said, grabbing again.

  Dora grinned and charged through the barrier. "C'mere!"

  Screw it. I let Spud take the shield. Once my arm was free, I flung it under the shelf between us and the central path to trip Dora's ankle.

  She stumbled. "Shit!"

  Kara grabbed the stumbling girl and pushed her into her brother. They collapsed in a struggling heap.

  "Hey! Get off me!"

  "Then get off my arm, incel!"

  "That's it!" Spud punched me in the face.

  My vision swam. Apparently this was a punchline Spud could actually land. "Ugh..."

  He raised his fist again. "And this is for—"

  The dump truck smashed into his head. He fell, groaning.

  "Haha, motherfucker," Chaz said, offering me a hand.

  I got to my feet. "Thanks."

  "No worries. Come on!"

  Kara was still keeping the looters at bay, but it was only a matter of time before the siblings got up. Lex could barely move. Magic had barely moved too, which was worse. He just stood there, smiled, and...

  "Well, see ya."

  Kara tensed. "What?"

  "Don't give it away, geniuzzz," a voice above her said.

  We looked up. Sitting atop a nearby display was a robotic cat, with a metallic cage around an LED light where its spine should be. It looked like a walking bug zapper.

  Before Kara could react, it leapt down at her. The bug zapper crackled with electricity.

  ZZAP!

  "Nnngh!" Kara screamed and dropped to the ground, twitching.

  Lex dropped too. Spud had recovered enough to bind her ankles. "Aah!"

  Magic spread his arms out as Lex fell, and put on his best trolling face. "Meet Catzap. He's my bot. The latest invention from Janka Robotics! I mean, I assume."

  Dora got to her feet. "Let me kill the spear chick!"

  "Later. Spud, tie these pricks up before Paralysis wears off," he said, then turned to me. "Where'd your fat friend go?"

  Chaz had disappeared again.

  Time to stall. I smiled and folded my arms.

  "How should I know? He's invisible, genius."

  "What, is he trying to get help?" Magic smirked. "Good luck. Someone else tried that an hour ago and we never saw them again. With our debuffs, Tad's brains, and my leadership we've already locked up this entire store—"

  Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

  "Wait, you're the leader?" I said. "You were serious?"

  "Uh, obviously? Duh?"

  "In that outfit?"

  Magic blinked. "Wh-what?"

  "Dude, you've got a cartoon gangster fit. You look like a guy Spider-Man would stick to the wall."

  Kara sat up. Spud was binding her hands, but he couldn't get her mouth. "You look a high-schooler trying to buy cigarettes."

  "Shut the hell up!" Magic roared. "Why would I take fashion tips from you dweebs? You look like... like you're wearing slacks!"

  "These are our work clothes," I said. "We had to wear them. You chose to dress like a failed YouTuber."

  "I hate her, but it's not a great look," Dora said.

  Magic fumed. He clearly wasn't getting the reaction he wanted. "What is wrong with you people?"

  I smirked, this time. "I thought you said you worked retail? People say worse things to us all the time."

  "Well, whatever!" Magic stomped over and jabbed a finger into my chest. "Hate all you want. As soon as Catzap's power comes off cooldown, you're dead—"

  "Thanks for the heads up," Chaz said.

  His hand closed over Catzap's cage, and he tossed the cat towards the entrance before anyone could react.

  "Hizzzss?!"

  Val wound up her bat. "Hey."

  She bonked the bot like a baseball. Thanks to the bat's accuracy bonus and her own enhanced strength, the cat was launched straight into Magic's face.

  "ZMROW!"

  "AAH!"

  A lot of things happened at once.

  Magic clutched his broken nose. Kara grabbed Spud's collar and delivered a Darksynth-infused headbutt to his face, sending him sprawling across the floor. Dora charged Chaz, but I launched my arm out and tripped her again. Joe and Baz grabbed Tad from behind. Troy and Red appeared and threatened everyone with their bows, which basically sealed the deal.

  Cat Legs even put his hands up. "Wait! Wait! I surrender!"

  "M-Mad Dog, you coward!" Magic sputtered.

  I drew a shoplin knife and freed Lex, who had curled up on the floor. "Are you okay?"

  "Can't... move..." she gasped.

  Chaz freed Kara. She dusted herself off and turned on Magic, her smile transitioning from impish to demonic.

  "Hey. Did you say you locked people up?"

  Magic took a reflexive step backward, but froze when I reached out with my metal arm and grabbed his collar.

  "Uh..."

  "Yeah, man," I said. "We're really curious."

  Magic gulped as everyone closed in on him.

  "M-maybe we could talk this out like adul—"

  [ Out-Knaved

  Be ambushed in a PvP battle, and win anyway.

  Reward: +1 ZETTAMALL? Battered Slapfight Crate ]

  After the beating, we sat them down, forced Spud to restrain them, and tied him up with cable ties. Catzap was dented but fine, so we put him in a cat carrier from the store. Luckily for us, Lex's paralysis wore off in under a minute.

  Once they were bound, we had a quick huddle to decide what to do.

  "Do we kill them?" Kara asked.

  "I'd rather not," I said. "It seems excessive?"

  Frankly I was beginning to pity Magic, who'd started to cry. It was because Kara had kicked him with Darksynth, but still.

  "We could just put them in Games Warlock for now," Chaz said. "If they're smart, they'll decide to stop messing around and help out. We need more bots."

  "Magic said Tad was the brains, and he's an incel," Lex said. "I don't know if they'll come around..."

  Val shrugged. "We can always crack their skulls if they start something?"

  "I'm down with that," I said. "Let me see what they know before we kick them out."

  The others nodded, so I turned and approached the group. I stopped to pick up Tad's dropped mace on the way—I needed a real weapon for later. It really did look like papier-maché though—specifically, it seemed to be made out of Zettamall advertising brochures.

  [ A ZETTAMALL? Shopping Maul! This weapon will break after a randomly-determined number of hits. When it does, you'll unbox a new, completely random weapon.

  ZETTAMALL?: Forever Maul! ]

  They had OddBotz and good loot. They could have just helped people and tried to escape, but instead they decided to try some bandit bullshit they weren't even good at? They could get the hell out of here.

  I approached the group. "Hey. Tell us what you did with the people here, and—"

  "Wait!" Tea Bag said.

  I froze. "What?"

  "We'll talk. And I-I'll give you my Funbucks," Tad stammered, desperation in his voice. "Just let us live and we'll go! W-we won't bother anyone again!"

  I looked at the mace in my hand, which I maybe should have put down before looming ominiously over them.

  Whoops.

  Oh, well. He seemed more talkative now. No need to correct him.

  "First, tell me what's going on here," I said.

  Tad spilled the beans. "We came down here to test our OddBotz, and the debuffs were great. We got the whole level. Then we met the survivors in Huge W and..." He paused, obviously trying to think of a way to phrase this that wasn't embarrassing. "We talked to their leader, but she got emotional, and—"

  Mad Dog—who still insisted on having cat legs—spoke up, gesturing to the semi-conscious Magic with his head. "This guy demanded all their loot and she nutted him."

  Tad tried to cover up his obvious discomfort by making Mad Dog uncomfortable instead. "Our party comp was unreal, dipshit, of course the group with the best strategy should—"

  "I'm not Mad Dog! Okay? It's Matt!" Matt said. "I just said people called me Mad Dog because I wanted you to think I was tough. I didn't realise I was signing up for this."

  I decided to talk to him instead. "You're not with them?"

  "They rescued me, so I went along with their bullshit at first," Matt said. "But all I've been hearing since then is bad jokes and speeches about how women aren't natural fighters."

  "It is loser shit," Dora said.

  "Quiet, you," Tad snapped. "It's bad enough we let this woke—"

  I moved the conversation on. "So, what, you robbed everyone?"

  Matt nodded. "They're tied up in the party room. Magic wanted to slow their progress so they'd stay weaker than him."

  Just in case, I made them show me their OddBotz. Catzap and Snake Arms inflicted paralysis, while Twistipede fired restraining wires. Their paralysis powers had cooldown periods and wore off fast; their whole strategy hinged on ending fights faster. I doubted it was sustainable. I had no reason to help them with that though.

  Tad was reluctant to share his bot at first, but when he tried to stall, Yuzumaki manifested himself.

  "I know he's in there, you scoundrel!" the holo-citrus said. "Bring him out!"

  Tad relented, and a new anime hologram appeared above him. This one took the form of a pineapple with transparent blue cyberpunk glasses, a red cape with a tall, pointy collar, and spiky hair made of green leaves. It had a cigarette in its mouth.

  [ < PAINAPPLE >

  Rare Earth Holo-Bot — Contrasht

  Powers: [Hacker's Eye], [Sorcerer's Eye]

  Once a protector of the fruit realms, this cyber-comosus went mad and defected to Demonade after constant exposure to customers pretending they had opinions about pineapple on pizza. ]

  "Ah, my former friend," Painapple snarled. He sounded evil, alright. "What brings you to this dump?"

  "Training your replacement," Yuzumaki said bitterly. "Young Chaz, we must kill this man's host before he becomes stronger."

  Tad began to sweat. "Uhhhh..."

  Chaz shook his head. "Sorry, but we already decided to let them go. If I change my mind because of a talking pineapple I won't hear the end of it."

  "Coward," Painapple said.

  Tad looked up at him. "Hey!"

  Yuzumaki reluctantly relented. "If that is your wish."

  I studied the OddBot. Painapple's actual powers were support-based: one eye buffed Tad's allies, and the other gave him extra information on the things he encountered. I got the feeling he knew more about our bots than we did about him.

  None of them had powers I felt I had to worry about, so that was enough for me.

  I turned back to Tad. "Last question: You said you went downstairs to test your bots. What's happening on Level Three?"

  "Most of the survivors are in Bullseye," Tad said. "If you're quick, you can—"

  Matt rolled his eyes. "They came here because it's safer. There's a really powerful shoplin leading the others up there."

  I remembered the advertisement outside. This part of the mall was "subcontracted" to these shoplins, whatever that meant...

  "Got it, thanks," I said. "You wanna come with us?"

  Matt lit up. "Really?"

  I nodded. He seemed genuine, and he had definitely just burned his bridges. Even Magic, who had lost the will to fight, looked ready to bite his face off. Leaving him with them would just be rude.

  "Sure. Kara?"

  Matt sighed in relief as Kara began cutting him free. "Thanks. I won't let you down."

  It was almost time to get the prisoners. But first...

  I adjusted my grip on the maul and smiled.

  "Now, about those Funbucks..."

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