Journal 9

  Sol 365

  I should have been more aware. I was not. I should have been more persistent in talking to James about his health. I was not.

  It was a normal day. James and I woke up and did our daily routine. I would do my stretching, prayers, and morning tasks. James would wake up export brown liquid and yellow water, struggle with cooking breakfast, and curse like crazy into the wind as he went about his work. I always found it amusing, but I should've been more pertinent to his plight.

  He peed blood and coughed out something maroon from his mouth. He collapsed walking up a dune and I immediately grabbed him and sheltered him inside my craft. I hooked up the medical equipment, Human IV, the one canister of human plasma, and all the blankets I could find with the left over water. He was grateful and apologetic. Though I knew he was not well.

  Why did he tell me nothing? Why?

  He was like this for a week. Too weak to do anything except eat, expel more blood from his system, and lay in bed. He killed time by typing away on his rectangle as I helped rig up cables to run down from the transponder antenna hooked to the plutonium power cells running and working within my ship's power system and computer that then ran through a long and thing cable to his rectangle. I asked him what he was working on. All he did as shrug.

  He refused to let me know of what he was doing.

  One night after a dinner of weed stew, he asked, "Gar?"

  "Yes?"

  "Promise me... That..."

  "We are not discussing this... Not again," I said looking away. "Please, James. You're going to live."

  "Gar?"

  "..."

  "Please look at me."

  I looked at him hiding my face behind my helmet visor. I could not bear to show my feelings to him.

  He said weakly, "We need to talk about this, Gar. You know it. Your bracer and your unwillingness to look at me without your helmet tells me all I need to know. It's okay. Just look at me and listen."

  He was not wrong. My bracer computer surmised that his vitals were on the verge of dying. He was sick with something that cannot be identified on my scanner. James told me it was probably a cold. I am not sure what he meant by that. His vitals showed signs of cancer from mercury exposure and another disease destroying his immune system. Again, my bracer did not confirm what specifically it was. Just that it was a human disease of some kind. Something he always had apparently. I later learned it was due to the meat we were eating. It was high in mercury. It does not affect me or my kind. We have the ability to fully break down mercury to prevent poisoning. Humans do not have this ability.

  I should've known damnit!

  "Gar... Promise me that you will give theses letters, " he said giving me his log book of writings to his family along with the picture of his family. "Give them to my wife and kid. Tell them that I thought of them to the end. I'm sorry I was not there to raise our kid."

  "James... Please. Not now."

  "I'm glad that you are my friend."

  I began to cry and remained silent. I refused to take off my helmet.

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  "Gar... It's my time. I have instructions for my burial if you will amuse me? It's on this log book. First page."

  "James... Please."

  "You did your best and we became friends despite the war... You feel the same as I don't you? About this pointless war."

  I nodded.

  "Thank you for everything my friend... Thank you," He said as his grip on my hand weakened further.

  He asked me to take his stuff and readjust the blankets one last time. He told me he had human music on his "Walkman" stereo. He told me it was an ancient song, but a good one. The tape deck said, "Explosions in The Sky - Your Hand in Mine."

  Very apt.

  I played it loudly in my ship's speakers and listened with him. He closed his eyes and smiled. I listened to the song and felt the pain and joy that the song provoked. No words. It was a strange noise, but I began to understand it. I felt it. I understood it somewhat. I felt as if it was about being grateful for the journey you been through with someone in an odyssey of pain and turmoil that was emotionally draining.

  It was lovely.

  I thought of my one secret moment of intimacy with Cora on the flagship Nerox. As officers, we are bound by the Tenets to never fraternize in any capacity in order to not jeopardize or impede judgement when in combat or command. We secretly excused ourselves to a closed off area of the ship. It was an emptied out observation room used by the former shipmaster as a private lookout. The shipmaster was an avid astronomer. At the time, this room was to remain close due to maintenance for the heating and energy.

  I remember tenderly holding Cora against my thorax. I remember how she held me. I remember her soft, green eyes with those violet pupils. Her green skin with a hint of white. How soft and warm her frills on her gills were. That was the first time in my life I ever made love and understood what love was. I wanted that moment last forever. It was euphoric and lovely.

  That song reminded me of that one and only night of intimacy.

  For the first time, I felt as if I can be emotional without prejudice or judgement. I felt I was whole for once. I was never able to become a true Thorg Warrior. All traces of care were never eradicated from my conscious when I was indoctrinated into the army. I thought it was. Cora showed me that a warrior can be allowed to feel and be emotional. She was the one who taught me that the Tenets were a guideline, not law. I thought she spoke heresy. She said otherwise.

  I did ask her what her thoughts were on being a true warrior. She thought ponderously for a long time. She smiled and told me, "A true warrior doesn't need a weapon. A true warrior has no enemies."

  I didn't understand it then, but now I do.

  That ancient, human song brought back those memories and feelings I was never able to express into thought or words. I understood why James loved this song and chose it as his and his wife's song.

  I took off my helmet and looked over at James. The strength in his hand was gone. His breathing stopped. I felt his pulse on his throat and wrists. Nothing. I looked at his face and the smile was still there with a single tear. Eyes were closed. I crossed his hands together and covered his body in his blanket.

  I walked outside looking at the stars. Streaming tears in my eyes. I yelled and screamed with immense pain pounding the sand in anger. I took my plasma rifle and fired a full charge in the air as my screams echoed into the dark. I cursed at the sky asking why no one was coming to save us. I wanted to kill everything living in that moment. I wanted to die. I wanted to scream until my voice broke. I wanted to scream until my frills withered away from over use.

  I wanted James to live. Instead, I was all that was left. I collapsed and cried more as I buried my head in the sand.

  I imagined myself fighting off a hoard of Zorg parasites. I found myself feeling like the prophet Foro as he found himself alone in battle. With every strike I made, I remembered and felt the moments I have killed other beings (humans and non-humans). All my anger, all my rage, and all my pain I channeled into every strike of the ground and air until my suit locked my limbs in place temporarily for I was breaking my fingers into the sand. I did not care. I wanted James to live.

  I cursed into the sky, "GOLO! Why must you take him and not me? WHY! If you are so merciful, then why take away those who deserve to live? EXPLAIN! FUCKING EXPLAIN! AH!"

  I proceeded to pound the sand into I saw my blue blood splatter. I don't know how long I did this for. Hours maybe. I have never cried for so long with so much anguish before. I felt the weight of heaven crash into me like a meteor striking a moon. My biggest fear was realized in this moment. Something I dreaded for a long time, but knew could happen on this fucking rock.

  I'm officially alone now.

  My best friend. My only friend. James Taro Williams was dead of malnutrition and sickness. Age 25. Rank: Sergeant. Space Fighter Pilot of the UNSC Marine Corps of Earth.