Erador nestled into the armchair. He tried to appear relaxed so Loma wouldn’t notice he was worried about the deaths. The sofa Pia died on wasn’t here because not only did Loma say it was bad luck, Pia’s blood had soaked through the fabric. In his peripheral vision the candle flickered on the table and Loma hunched over a notebook.

  “Let’s try again.” Loma’s seat creaked as she shifted. “How do lurkers affect you?”

  Her melancholy voice carried through the room, and helped relax his eyes closed.

  Erador took a deep breath of lavender incense. “I can’t go to the realm.”

  “And what if I said you didn't have to?”

  Erador clenched his knees. “What if Slen can come out?”

  A pen scribbled on the paper. “That’s a terrifying thought.”

  “I know he’s waiting for me in Sunflower Alley. He calls me there with the venom.”

  “You’re returning?” Loma’s brief pause was followed by a tap of metal on glass. “How often?”

  “I did it three times this week,” Erador said, recalling how one time he went there in the middle of the night, despite having no plans to go into town. He didn’t realize he’d left until he stared at the painted flowers and wondered if he’d done it in his sleep.

  “Did you go there without realizing it?”

  Erador licked his lip. “Yes.”

  Loma stopped her quill abruptly. “How long has this been occurring?”

  Erador opened his mouth but hesitated to answer. They had been happening even before the second Slen attack. At first, he thought he was regressing but the new visions happened more often. Sometimes he questioned if he was sane. He wouldn’t tell Loma that.. Sunflower Alley was a quieter and quicker way back to the manor, and he’d used it often before his attack. But he never wanted to return after that nightmare, but he always did.

  “It’s been a while,” he said.

  “How long? A month?”

  Erador swallowed and shifted his hand on the armrest. “Longer.”

  He sensed her irritation in how she roughly tapped the ink pen on the jar. This time she couldn’t say a thing, and Erador focused on that relief. Loma agreed to offer support rather than judgment during these sessions to help him focus and work through his fears.

  “What do you feel when you see a sunflower?” she asked.

  Erador clenched his fist. He lowered his head envisioning bright yellow petals and the dark center. The depictions of Paradise, the petals on the caskets, his mark, and the yellow bow in Miraline’s hair. A tightness formed in his throat as faces of people who passed haunted him.

  “Death.”

  Loma shifted in her seat. “Is it because of the alley?”

  Erador gripped his pants. “Yes.”

  A hum rumbled in Loma’s throat. “Anything else?”

  Erador looked at his moth mark, envisioning the needle pressing into his skin. “Suffering, Abuse.”

  Loma turned in her chair to face him. “Is there any way you can associate sunflowers with a positive experience?”

  For his entire life, he associated sunflowers with negativity; from Paradise, to his mark, to Slen. He couldn’t bear to eat the seeds. He couldn’t break the negative experiences that clouded his mind.

  “I can’t,” he breathed.

  “Try harder. Were there any happy moments when sunflowers were around?”

  Erador plucked through his memories. Sunflowers floated in the water at Pia’s and Breck’s funeral. He squeezed his eyes tighter. His skin pricked as the inked needle tapped his arm. He drew in a deep breath and examined the room around him.

  The days he spent at Loma’s home filled him with warmth. Sunflowers were on the window sills and the banister, though he may not have paid much attention to them. He remembered when he liked them, when Cade and him used to eat the seeds on her porch and drop the shells on the floor.

  “Your sunflowers.” A smile broke his lips from a frown.

  “Wonderful.” Loma clasped her hands. “Every time you see a sunflower avert your thinking to a positive experience like that one. Those feelings won’t go away entirely, but in time you’ll train your mind to associate sunflowers with something good."

  Loma turned back to her notebook. “You did better.” A page turned. “You didn’t panic the last few sessions.”

  That didn’t mean he wasn’t panicking in his mind. Sometimes he couldn’t make his worries shut up and Shade didn’t help.

  This method had become habitual, the questions, the atmosphere, the distance he felt during these sessions because Loma only questioned and offered advice that hardly seemed to make an impact. It had been twenty-five years since his attack. He was driven to go to the Shadow Realm by his determination to catch Yuni lying, but it nearly killed Dethil and him.

  “It feels like I’ve regressed.” His tense posture fell as he sat forward. “I’ve been struggling with it for years and I’ve hardly gotten anywhere.” He grabbed his head. “I can’t do it. Not when everything is like this.”

  Loma sighed and shut her notebook. “You have not regressed. I’ve seen progress...we’ve seen it. You made it part way into that alley. You also have gone to the realm when you’re not supposed to.”

  Erador didn’t want to admit that, but he did it because he had to. “It was night.”

  “That doesn’t always stop lurkers, especially not the one that marked you.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything. I still have trouble going down that alley. I can’t do it. I can’t stop myself from being afraid, or anyone from dying.” Erador dropped onto the armchair and pressed his hands to his eyes.

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  Loma got up and moved to his side, placing a comforting hand on his back. “No, but you have control of what you can do for yourself. Being scared won’t protect anyone.”

  Erador lowered his hands. Fear is what might have kept him alive, otherwise he might’ve been dead if he overcame his trauma of lurkers sooner. Fear didn’t stop him from trying, from searching about Yuni. It would’ve stopped Shade.

  “I can’t,” Erador choked.

  “You can,” Loma said.

  Erador brushed her off. “It’s not just my fear I have to deal with. It’s Shade. He doesn’t want me going to the realm.”

  Loma looked to the shadow that dipped back into Erador’s. “You think he doesn’t feed from your fear? Your lack of confidence doesn’t give him any. You must work together and believe in each other.”

  It didn’t help that Erador didn’t believe he could and it didn’t help that his father didn’t either. It didn’t help that Shade was scared and forced emotions on him he didn’t want.

  “Shade doesn’t make it easy,” Erador snapped. “He complains, and makes me feel things I don’t want to. He’s not like your shadow that ignores you when you’re upset it.”

  “That’s why you need to find balance with Shade. He’s joyful, protective, and supportive, which is good… for you.”

  Erador recalled the many times Shade had been supportive. When Erador was sick as a child, he usually stayed quiet to let him rest, or he would entertain him when he was sad, or comfort him when he had lashes on his body. Shade peeked out in response and gave a nudge of comfort.

  “I guess he is,” Erador said, staring at the shadow. “Sometimes... it’s overwhelming.”

  Loma made a knowing hum.

  Erador’s shadow had been with him since he was born, his father claimed. Shade was child-like. Erador was new to everything as he was. It took time for Shade to develop as much as it did for Erador.

  “Do you remember what it was like before you had your shadow?” Erador asked.

  “I do,” Loma said. “Unlike you, my element didn’t come until I was a teenager. She was rather quick to judge me and made me feel worse, especially when my parents were the same.”

  Erador snorted. “Hasn’t she changed?”

  “No, I just don’t take her shit anymore,” Loma said with a grin.

  Erador laughed.

  “But it comes in handy at times,” Loma said. “She’s very aware, saved me from being attacked by lurkers many times. Since Shade was with you longer, you have a different bond. A closer one.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Erador whispered.

  Shade didn’t respond, but Erador felt his comfort.

  “You have pushed him away. It’s going to take time to reconnect with Shade,” Loma said, sitting on the armrest next to Erador. “Try to be a little kinder. I know you have it in you.” She rubbed Erador’s shoulder. “I know you don’t see it, but Shade takes after you.”

  “He doesn’t.”

  “You think he learned to be this way himself?” Loma said, brushing hair from Erador’s face. “He learned from you. You were a sweet child.”

  “That gets you nowhere.”

  “Don’t put your father’s words in your mouth,” Loma warned. “It’s good to be vulnerable at times, something your father had trouble grasping.”

  He could also never grasp what it was like to have a being reading his thoughts. His shadow sent a jolt of frustration aimed at Erador’s father for mistreating him. At least they had that in common. As Loma went to the table, Erador looked at Cade’s door. Erador wished controlling a lurker would bring him solace. He wouldn’t know until he had more practice.

  “What if I control a lurker?” Erador said. “Stop the lurker before it hurts me? If we can control our shadow... why not lurkers?”

  Loma slowly pushed her chair in. “It’s better to focus on retraining your mind.”

  “There’s a way, isn’t there?” Erador said in the best curious tone he could muster rather than angry that she avoided him.

  “You aren’t... ready for that.”

  Erador folded his arms. “You don’t know that.”

  “Oh... really?” She raised her eyebrows. “You can’t walk down an alley and you’re telling me you can face a lurker and control it.”

  Erador’s face went hot. “If I’m taught the proper way, maybe I can. Maybe it would be easier knowing I can make Slen powerless.”

  “It’s too risky. You’ll continue our sessions as is.” She flattened her lips and pointed at him. “If you dare try and tame a lurker, you can find someone else to help you.”

  Erador laid his elbows on his knees, the hole in his chest peeling deeper. He couldn’t tame that lurker bug, no matter how hard he tried. Maybe Loma was right, maybe he needed to go through the steps first.

  Loma came to him and rubbed his shoulder. “Is something else bothering you?’

  Erador looked up. “No.”

  He averted his attention as she cocked her head in a manner that didn’t believe him. “Come now, Erador, you think you can lie to me?”

  He went to stand and Loma pushed him down.

  “Those visions are much worse than you said, aren’t they?”

  Erador fumbled over a no.

  Loma stared at him with a stiff jaw. “I heard you’ve been seeing someone who has long been dead.”

  It had to be Aminria. She must’ve heard him mention Taurin during one of his visions. Erador didn’t say anything, and clenched his hands on his knees.

  “Visions can mix with reality, Erador. Taurin hasn’t returned.”

  “But this can explain… the deaths. Someone could be impersonating him to scare us.”

  Erador wanted to believe it wasn’t Taurin, but that person looked large and foreboding, so much like Taurin. Not many people were his size.

  Loma sighed. “No one else has seen him.”

  “You think I’m lying?” Erador said, raising his voice.

  Loma sighed. “I’m just worried about you.”

  Erador rubbed his neck. “I found these warden tower cards with the marks of the last three Paradins that died.” He pulled the three cards from his pocket and gave them to her. “Dethil and Aminria think it’s a coincidence.”

  She shuffled through them. “Where did you find the cards?”

  “The clothes Eli died in, in the infirmary, and a book I lent to Breck. I think someone is playing a game with our lives.”

  Loma looked up. “And they don’t believe you?”

  Erador shook his head.

  She set the cards on the table. “Without more...”

  Erador narrowed his eyes. “So, you think I’m crazy too?”

  “No,” she said. “We don’t have proof. I want more than anything for whoever is doing this to be stopped.” She placed her hand on his shoulder. “You can’t expect Dethil and Aminria to understand.”

  “I know, but now I’m afraid I chased them away.”

  “Erador,” Loma said. “Why don’t you give them time.”

  Time. Who knows how much they had left? But like Aminria and Dethil, Loma wouldn't see it either. The visions probably discredited his theories. Erador slipped down in his seat, hating the gnawing in his chest. No one believed him.