AnnouncementContent warnings:
SpoilerDysphoria, Misogyny, Transphobia
[colpse]2019 September 15SundayGil woke up, fully expecting a hangover, only to realise he’d left too early to even try a drink. He almost wished he had one, the pain would’ve kept the thoughts rushing in his head at bay. Wholly unwilling to confront them, he uncharacteristically decided to stay in bed and scroll on instagram. Of course he was immediately confronted by videos and posts about st night from his friends and mutuals. At some point he’d have to sift through the video footage his cameraman took to post on his own account, but that’d probably mean seeing the Dorley girls and he just didn’t feel up to it right now.
He scrolled through his notifications, still more reminders of the night before; his check, further offers, group chats, mentions, congratutions. There was but one that stood out in the noise.
SSMsAreBest
Hey, I went to your show st night, really cool shit with the RX and the SH, I wish more DJs still did stuff like that.
Gil took a breath and answered.
GilNova
Yeah, I was expecting the drums to desync at the worst time, but fortune was shining on me I guess… in that regard at least.
Y’know that girl I told you about? Who was interested in my speccy?
SSMsAreBest
Yeah?
GilNova
Well she went to the show, but then ditched me because there was something up with her friend.
SSMsAreBest
Sucks for you man, not that big of a surprise I guess though
GilNova
Pardon?
SSMsAreBest
I mean, girls are going to be girls, esp. if they’re with friends, you can never know what to expect, that’s why you gotta keep a close eye on them lol
Otherwise you ain’t going nowhere with them
GilNova
I’m not romantically interested in her if that’s what you’re assuming, and even if I was, I’m not going to observe her at all times like I’m her chaperone or smth
SSMsAreBest
Perhaps, but look where being polite got you, there’s a time to be polite, and there’s a time for moving things along a bit, take it from me
GilNova
If girls are such unpinnable creatures why don't you date guys instead huh? :pan_fg:
SSMsAreBest
As if guys don’t have a ton of other issues themselves, you of all people should know that
GilNova
Yeah, let’s not go there right now, you do your thing, I do mine.
GilNova
Going back to the original topic though, can you tell me more about that Apple II software?
All this time and I’m just now realising how weird it is you use one of those instead of a C64 or an Amiga.
SSMsAreBest
Call me different ig lol.
If ppl stopped circlejerking Commodore for even a second they’d realise the advantages of a ][, but I guess they’re not ready for it
GilNova
For sure
SSMsAreBest
So you see, the difference starts in the chipstet…
Gil shared in Flo’s ramblings for a good bit, almost forgetting the earlier part of the conversation. Maybe he wasn’t a great guy or anything, but talking tech was fun, it took his mind off of things.
Then he got another ping. He hurriedly thanked Flo and headed to the concerned DM.
PippaLongstockings
Hey, I’m really sorry about st night, Paige got harassed by a guy, and she’s particurly sensitive about this sort of thing so we had to head out. I’m really sorry about all of this, I would’ve loved to be there for the end of your set, everyone loved it
GilNova
It’s okay, I completely understand, I’m gd you enjoyed yourself
Now that you say it though, did the guy have short-cropped hair, was kinda attractive but obviously an asshole, really drunk and with a friend in tow? Maybe used the f-slur liberally?
PippaLongstockings
Shit that does sound like him
GilNova
I had an encounter with him while packing up my things at the end, called me the slur in question and compined about a woman who rejected his advances.
PippaLongstockings
Oh wow I’m really sorry, thank you for letting me know
Are you okay? It must’ve been rough on your first time wearing that sort of clothing
GilNova
I’m fine, he didn’t really do much, and it’s not like anything he said really affected me in a negative way.
That technically wasn’t a lie.
PippaLongstockings
That’s good I’m really happy for you, those men are the absolute worst
GilNova
You’re telling me darling
PippaLongstockings
I want to reiterate that I’m really sorry things had to be like this,
This might sound uncouth, but would you be interested in joining a group chat with me and a few others?
There’s loads of interesting people you might want to talk to
GilNova
I’m fine, thank you, already way too many gcs for my own sanity :ughing:
I would still love to study with you, if you want to as well.
PippaLongstockings
I’d love to
And who knows, maybe I can bring my own annoying tagalongs at some point :stuck_out_tongue:
GilNova
Touché
PippaLongstockings
Is that something you actually say in french?
GilNova
No, not really
PippaLongstockings
Huh, words are weird
GilNova
If you think french words in english are bad, don’t get my mum started about english words in french
PippaLongstockings
I won’t -
Regardless, thank you for being understanding, and let me know if you want to join my gc, we’re open at any time.
GilNova
I will consider, thank you for coming st night
I’m really sorry about that guy, hopefully next time it’ll be better
PippaLongstockings
Hopefully, even one less man like him on the street would be great
GilNova
Completely agree
See you this tuesday then?
PippaLongstockings
I’ll be there
Have a good rest of your weekend Gil
GilNova
You too Pippa
It’s not that Gil didn’t want to Pippa’s group chat, he was immensely curious in fact. But how could he keep his story straight when he knew all about her behind the scenes? Best not take his chances. He was caught up enough with his first week of work, he could see what was new on the Dorley server and -
PippaLongstockings
Before I forget, Jodie wanted your set as a pylist, I think she loved it the most out of any of us
…and, sign out again, back to his main account, share the spotify link, then back to the secret account. Living a double life was fun.
2019 September 16MondayGil was briskly walking through campus with the graphic design friend group. Despite this only being the second week of school there was already a semi-prominent graphic designer from the swiss style coming to give a talk in the arts building. A known lover of the movement, of course Gil had to attend, and the other girls were more than happy to join him.
The party would find themselves interrupted by a commotion in their way.
“Oh bugger, it’s them.” Sonia swore.
Disturbing the peace was in fact Saints’ Historical and Heritage Society. Not the Richard III-obsessed Historical Club mind you, the HHS was rather a thinly-veiled mouthpiece for the UKIP or whichever other Daily Mail crackpot they’d decided to adhere to that week. As of now they were waving around Union Jacks and signs fshing various bits and pieces of their charming rhetoric. The group tried to keep their head down, which didn’t stop Gil from being accosted.
“We have to guarantee greater immigration control following our long-awaited split from the EU leeches!” the nky student told him while waving a leaflet in his face.
“Michael we know each other, are you daft?” retorted Gil thoroughly unimpressed.
The Michael in question was Michael Joy, a fellow third year student Gil had had the misfortune of occasionally attending csses with. They didn’t know each other that well, it mostly came down to an uncomfortable incident two years ago where Michael seemed to think Gil was his friend, but that had only reinforced the obvious fact that they weren't exactly on the same page politics or personality-wise. Perhaps Michael didn’t recognize him, regardless, it made the junior fascist’s advances rather more annoying than they would’ve been otherwise.
“Gil, surely you have to recognize the all-encompassing consequences of the worsening migrant crisis. In spite of our differends it’s a matter of common sense to protect our prospects as imminent members of the workforce -”
“Fuck off Michael.”
Gil was certain he caught a particurly stinging look of disappointment on Michael’s face before he disappeared back into the crowd.
Michael clearly likes me. Am I like him, does he feel we are kindred spirits?
No, surely he has to recognize that I dont’t - fuck me, this guy.
Why do I have to attract the shittiest dudes?
The lecture proved too long and uninteresting to keep Gil’s self-doubt at bay, leaving him to resort to the next best thing; discreetly pulling out his phone and scrolling his socials once again. He hoped not to make it a habit.
As it happened Paige came first on his IG feed. She was recounting her workout routine in her designer athletic wear. Not that it wasn’t apparent before, but she was impressively fit. Perhaps he should go to the gym himself, actually pull his own more revealing fits off. Or not, he couldn’t get his arms looking like hers, that was for sure. Maybe cycling? Eh, he wouldn’t look good doing it, let alone afterwards.
He scrolled away, finding Jodie a few posts further, doing another tradgoth fit. In the description she was joking about trying out AD&D on her next stream, if only to get some Stranger Things money. Gil had no intention of doing goth looks again, that was behind him at this point, but he had done variations for the better part of two years, and he was generally proud of the progress he’d made. Jodie has seemingly done this for one week, and she was fwless. She was sporting eyeshadow he’d only pulled off a scant few times. He’d giggled in awe at pulling off a face like this.
Here she was doing it better than him, after one week, on a post tagging Stranger Things.
He added the post to his story, promoting Jodie and her great RPG streams.
The story didn’t get that many likes, especially compared to what he’d shared of the weekend, but he could feel her presence making him look like a poseur in comparison.
2019 September 17Tuesday“Damn, I was genuinely expecting you’d bring someone else.”
Gil and Pippa were alone at their table in the library. Hard to navigate as it was, at least the building was vast enough to always have seating on hand.
“Sorry, I really did try,” Pippa apologetically answered, “but no one I knew was avaible, hopefully next time.”
“Hopefully.”
Pippa was much more animated this time around when it came to conversation, sharing more about the people in her life and the outings they had. She didn’t have that many friends, but they were seemingly very close with each other. Gil couldn’t tell if any of them were trans or not, bringing forth a strange feeling in him. He didn’t want to deduce if their gender, that was a part of him that he was somewhat becoming uncomfortable with; rather, he was envious of their equality. The unspoken gender gap he felt whenever he went shopping with his girlfriends was absent, because every one of Pippa’s friends was unmistakably a girl. Maybe he could join her groupchat? Well no, he’d still be a guy among girls, the gay best friend, except he wasn’t even anyone’s best friend.
But that’s how it’d been for most of his life. That’s how things were meant to be, and hey, they were pretty nice.
He tried telling himself that, but the thoughts still pgued him. For the first time in a long time, he couldn’t keep the doubts at bay. He ate at home today, how rare. Chewed on ungodly bnd microwavable bangers and mash as he logged on to his secret consensus account. If he couldn’t be more than one of the girls in person, he could at least do so vicariously.
#fashion-advice
>You’re not too tall, we have clothes that fit you
>We are not known as the tall girl capital of the UK for nothing
Future-GBBO-Contender (Aisha)
So I’ve spent the st week pying around with different styles, much thanks to @Turn-the-Paige for the help, and I think I zero’d in on something I like
I call it “lesbian fifties housewife”
The girl in question was wearing a beautiful vintage 50s dress, made more modern by her makeup and her medium-length hair
Turn-the-Paige
Omg Aisha you look gorgeousss! :heart: :heart: :heart:
Stealing-your-pronouns (Faye)
Wow, I’m low-key jealous lol
Jailed-for-coffee-crimes
You look great!
I mean, you never leave the house and do nothing but cook all day, it’s very appropriate
Fr tho you’re adorable
The picture was showered with reactions. Gil’s only thought on the matter was that he’d love to see Michael stuffed in a dress like that. Probably did nothing with his nights but jerk himself to tradwife shit. Seeing him disgusted but also worked up it’d be so… Oh yeah, and Aisha looked cute too.
2019 September 18WednesdayGil had spent a week in the unofficial Saints computer science server. He’d learned quite a lot. A bit of new drama, some helpful advice and info for his csses, and a whole new world of slurs and offensive humour. Done with the edgelord bullshit, he finally left that server and checked up on the handful left he was still a part of on his clean account. The DJ server was filled with guys posting their shitty deep house sets, the queer rights server was discussing some political thing he didn’t want to get into, and the Spectrum server continued to be dead. Business as usual really. As was becoming frequent enough to merit a routine to ease the process, he swapped accounts, and checked in on his favourite residence.
# school-life
> Any story you recount about your cssmates can and will be used for opsec and intake recruitment purposes
> If a member is found to have been lying or embellishing the truths about their cssmates, they will have to report to Aunt Bea
The channel descriptions in this server were weird
Julia
@Chuck-Tingle-Evil-Sister could you remind me about that female drawing group you were talking about earlier?
Chuck-Tingle-Evil-Sister (Maria)
Sure! It’s the Art Get-Together held by the Women’s Union in their meeting room on Thursday nights. It’s fun and cozy, and open to any women or gender diverse people. They’re mercifully anti-terf.
Julia
Ooh, I love this, let me note it down…
Well if one useful thing was going to come out of this…
Gil
Hey, just heard about this thing happening tomorrow night, I don’t know if it’d interest you
Sandra
Oh yeah, the WU, I’ve been meaning to go to one of their events, looks fun
Would you like to come with me? I know you told me you used to do more drawing before the whole thing, could be a good way to get back into it.
Gil
Sorry, it’s women’s only embarrassed bitmoji
Sandra
Darn
Len and I were thinking of heading to London to shop for the weekend, you could join us if you wanted to
Gil
Thanks, but my wardrobe is already full enough as is lol
And anyways, work is starting to kick my ass. I'll try using my weekends off for study so I have enough leeway for my gigs.
Sandra
That’s probably the responsible thing to do
You let us know if there’s anything going on right?
We’re here for you
Gil
Yes, of course
I can’t wait to see what the two of you uncover!
Sandra
Thanks Gil, I hope your studying goes well
:appropriate bitmoji:
Gil hadn’t felt this empty in months.
Rather than dwell on why he’d refused a fun girls’ trip in the big city, he had the self-awareness to turn his computer off and pull out his neglected pad of paper and pencil. Rather than the typography and abstract designs required of his work, he began drawing portraits. No one in particur, his pencil unconsciously summoned unknown women from the graphite, all of different sizes and perspectives. The drawing was enjoyable, until he realised that every one of them looked off, uncanny in an undefinable way. Gil tried switching to men but they uncannily looked like women themselves. He ripped a first page from the pad and then a second, as his faces grew blurrier and ill-defined. Brows crooked, cheekbones over-emphasized, jawlines lumpy, hair stringy, eyes too small, sometimes the very whole of the face was off. He eventually let go of proportion lines and lighting, the faces regressing into oblong scribbles, carbon vomit on the cellulose. He forgot what a face looked like.
Hand trembling, he drew two triangles and a circle, right in the middle of the visual noise. The Bauhausian construct was his most accurate depiction of a woman so far. The straight lines were perfect and he hadn’t used a ruler.
He crumpled this page too and threw it in the bin, before turning on his Spectrum. He spent the next several hours pying random shitty games on it until he passed out at his desk.
He woke up the next morning with his makeup smudged, though not enough that he couldn’t just touch it up and go to css like that. It was fine, nobody would care anyways. Faces were inherently imperfect; what good was scribbling on it really?
2019 September 21SaturdaySSMsAreBest
Wow, that’s pretty neat actually, I never believed in this whole “minimize your studio” bullshit, but you know what, you almost make me believe those morons on yt lol
That being said, your talents are wasted on those pedestrian instruments, you should come to my pce at some point and record with some *real* gear
I’d like to see you at some point Gil, it’s been a while man
GilNova
Eh, perhaps, when I feel up to it
Do you still have your ft?
SSMsAreBest
Yes, drop by at any time and you’ll have a beautiful 100m waiting for you
Unlike your girl she won’t leave you out cold
GilNova
Because vintage tech is so reliable
SSMsAreBest
They’ll have hiccups at some point, but they’ll never skip your ft without a proper expnation
Also you generally won’t lift the hood of an Apple to find it’s secretly a PC if you know what I mean lol
GilNova
I mean, remember Synthesizer Patel’s teachings, those bastards do be stealing your synthesizers
Also I’m sure some beautifully insane modder’s done transpnted all of his PC gear into aesthetically superior Apple cases
Y’know, for shits and giggles
SSMsAreBest
You’re right, they are quite alike. Women and technology, fickle creatures both
GilNova
Fickle indeed
The Dorley music channel wasn’t active much given the whole Tay-Tay Tuesday nonsense still being enforced, but today it was unusually a prompt from what he’d gathered was one of the post-graduates who were still living there for some reason. They usually weren’t active on the server much compared to the younger girls.
It's-Pronounced-ee-dee
I know I’m really te to the party, but RIP Keith Flint
https:///watch?v=6_PAHbqq-o4
Local-MILF-Lover (Jodie)
Ooh, that’s really good!
Do you know anything more like it?
It's-pronounced-ee-dee
Eh, not really, when it comes to techno I just know the basics, don’t really have any big recs or anything like that
Local-MILF-Lover (Jodie)
We’ve said this before, but it’s weird no one here is really into music, esp. not electronic or the like
The one stereotype we avoid
OhGodCtrl-Z
Used to be into the like
Won’t ever catch me listening to the junk I was into back then now
Gil needed to find a woman (probably a trans woman) who was into synths shortly otherwise he felt like he’d go insane. He kept watching Dorley’s server, hoping that a girl with such interests would somehow manifest there. Somehow. Someday. As for now the only one he could talk to was that smug bastard. Maybe try to introduce Jodie above-board? No he’d just be jealous about her makeup again. And he wouldn’t be any different from Flo condescendingly expining to girls the difference between a VCO and an LFO.
You’re a prick Gil
Yeah I am
He cried himself to sleep that night
2019 September 22SundayGil went crate digging today. He wasn’t looking at sleeves. He couldn’t keep track. He just felt alone, and void. It was dawning on him that no one ever went with him. He was always alone. Always alone in what he did. Maybe he could invite Flo over. For him to dismiss his picks over some obscure dutch bootlegs or something. That’d be better than nothing.
Still, nothing was fine. He left with nothing. Went home, curled up in his bed, and watched the dorley server go about its day, channels and usernames blurring together, blurring into nothing.
It’s like meeting myself again, and loving her so much
Nothing
I just feel amazing, even if things aren’t perfect, I’m actually pretty for the first time.
Nothing
I have so many doubts, so many hang ups, I don’t really know where I am yet
It’s okay, we understand, we’re here for you
Nothing
I just got my GRS scheduled with Mrs. Prentice!
Nothing
Maybe he could seek help?
Nothing would help
He wasn’t like them
He was un gars unique
Toujours
That was different
That was unique
So nothing would help
And so a week went by, where for the first time in not that long,
Nothing
He didn’t even show up to study with Pippa.
2019 September 30MondayGil woke up one hour before his css was set to begin, barely functional enough to brush his teeth and stuff some weetabix down his throat. He shouldn’t be tired, he’d turned down multiple social outings to complete schoolwork, py video games and stalk the Dorley girls, all of which involved sitting on his arse. Nonetheless, here he was having lunch after his css, already wanting to crawl back into bed. A call of his name awoke him from his stupor.
“Oh hey Gil, we just got some great news!”
Gil internally snapped himself awake.
“What’s new?”
Alice had that look on her face of having uncovered a particurly juicy morsel of information. “Do you remember st year, when Sandy got three dick pics from the same guy in a single week?”
Gil racked his brain for that particur bit of lunchtime conversation.
“Right, didn’t he do this to every woman in his dorm?”
“Sure did!” Alice said excitedly, “I know so many who got hit on by this creep. Anyways, the good news is, he left shop!”
“Oh really?”
“Yes! A friend of mine overheard one of the residence supervisors and apparently he’s just… gone, they’re emptying out his room and everything.”
“That’s… interesting,” Gil replied, his lethargic brain unsure what to think of the situation.
“I just hope that wherever this wanker’s ended up, he’s getting what he deserves.” Alice concluded.
“Right, right.”
Lena gestured for Gil to look at her.
“Gil, are you okay?
“Yeah sure, why do you ask?” Gil answered before shoving a massive gob of noodles into his mouth.
“Since I first met you, I hadn’t seen you without makeup in public once, you were like, so hot, but like, in a ptonic way, I’m not into you or anything.”
Gil wearily looked at her, ready to bnk out her yapping.
“Sorry, my point is now it feels like it’s every second day you’re going natural. And I mean, natural is good, I love natural, but I’m not seeing pretty wild flower natural, what I’m seeing right now is disgusting decaying forest gunk natural. I mean, you’re wearing jeans and t-shirts!” She was now frantically waving her hand around in Gil’s general direction. “Jeans and t-shirts Gil! It’s not even just your look, you don’t answer our messages, you don’t go out with us, or with any of your girl friends or guy friends - don’t worry, we asked around - even your new girlfriend says you weren’t there to study with her!”
“Wait, you have Pippa’s contacts?”
Lena made a motion to zip it. “Where’s the man who’s made me envious all these times? The man who gave me hope that men can dress better than the status quo you so perfectly embody as of te? Where’s the man who walked away from his snotty boyfriend and decided to rise from the cigarette ashes he’d buried you under as a glorious cunty phoenix? Where is that man Gil? I miss him, I need him!”
Gil’s inert mind began working again.
“I don’t know… I had a bit of a rough week.”
“Gil, if there’s something going on, you can tell us,” Sandra told him in a comforting tone.
“Uhm,” Gil looked around the table at his friends. He breathed in. “Well for starters, I didn’t feel great after that encounter with Michael a few weeks ago.”
“Oh god I hope you didn’t listen to any of his podcasts,” Sonia interjected.
“No… he’s just one part of it, there’s also that I’ve been spending time with Flo again.”
Gil spotted winces on the faces of those who’d been around at the time.
“Yeah, I know, it’s just for tech and music stuff but sometimes he goes on tangents, anyways. The point is, because of these guys, in addition to many other things like spying on a whole trans girl commune, I became really self-conscious about being a guy with mostly girl friends, and how I don’t really fit in, even if I’m not really that kind of guy. It’s dumb, I’ve been like this since forever, I shouldn’t be bothered at this point, but I don’t know, it really got to me. So yeah, suddenly it just didn’t feel right to be with you, like I’m an intruder or something.”
Now finished, Gil looked down again to finish his noodles.
Without warning Sandra hugged him.
“Gil, if I ever made you feel like you didn’t belong, at any point, I apologise, so much.”
Lena joined in the embrace.
“You’ll always be one of us, no matter if your fits are amazing or absolute shit.”
Gil ughed through his tears as Sonia added herself.
“You don’t have to hang out with pricks, we’re here for you.”
And Alice completed the group hug
“You’ll always be a girl in my heart Gil.”
Gil was so overwhelmed with affection he couldn’t even properly acknowledge just how good the st affirmation felt.
“Thank you.”
All five remained like that for a bit, not saying anything, before Gil broke away.
“Really, thank you everyone, I really needed that.”
The other girls nodded back, smiling warmly.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I will head home before leaving for wherever we’re going to tonight, because I do in fact look like shit.”
“Don’t forget to shower as well!” Lena reminded him as he left.
Things were back to normal. Gil was just one of the girls, like he was meant to be. Just a hiccup, his great year could continue unimpeded. He even messaged Pippa to ask her to join her groupchat, even though he was thinking of taking a break from online groups for a bit, clear out his mind, do more drawing and music. Regardless, things really were looking up. He felt whole, mostly. As much as could when counting the inherent imperfection of life really. He may not have been feeling everything, but he wasn’t feeling nothing, and that he would settle for. Like always.
Toujours.
***
#sponsors-general
Chuck-Tingle’s-Evil-Sister (Maria)
My intake’s looking good so far, wish me luck for what comes next with him
PippaLongstockings
I’m sure you’ll do great, he seems perfect really
Chuck-Tingle’s-Evil-Sister (Maria)
Yess, hopefully smooth sailing this time round
Now Pippa, thank you for your help in building Raph’s case, we should be apprehending him shortly. I know he’s a bit heavy for a first-time sponsor, but did you want to take him on?
PippaLongstockings
No, like you said, he’s a bit heavy, there should be someone a little bit more pliable I could take on down the line, but thanks for the offers anyways.
Plus, I have been keeping a tab on non-intake tely, so I’m already feeling pretty good about myself
Chuck-Tingle’s-Evil-Sister (Maria)
Oh really?
PippaLongstockings
Yes, he’s already really nice and sweet, I’m hoping I’ll see someone beautiful blossom shortly. He really shouldn’t need much
Chuck-Tingle’s-Evil-Sister (Maria)
It’s always nice when they’re straightforward
PippaLongstockings
His interest and understanding is phenomenal, he’s right on the cusp, I can see it, no one could have such a comprehensive grasp otherwise
SynGirl
