I was underwhelmed. Here I was expecting something weird or dangerous. Nope. Just defending Old McDonald's turnips and chickens from some varmints that wouldn’t show until the moon was "high in the sky." So, Char and I sat together in the turnip patch waiting for moonrise for the past hour or so.

  "Not that I'm not having fun, Char, but when does this quest become fun?"

  "Spending quality time with your wife isn't fun?"

  "You said it, not me."

  She lightly shoved my shoulder. "You’re such an ass."

  "Yet you still married me."

  "With your cooking, who wouldn’t?"

  "Being used for food. I don’t know if that’s better or worse than being used for my ass."

  Char rolled her eyes. "What I do know is that I can’t wait to try this thing out." A wooden bow materialized in her hand.

  "How many arrows does it come with?"

  She grinned from ear to ear. "Unlimited."

  "You’re joking."

  "Not at all. Special ammunition, like a fire arrow, is limited, but standard ammunition is infinite."

  "That's kinda broken."

  She scoffed. "No, it’s not. A sword has unlimited swings, so why shouldn’t a bow have unlimited arrows?"

  "Because you don't shoot swords. The limited number is what balances the bow."

  "No. Close range combat is what balances a bow."

  "Yeah, big drawback when you can still put fifty arrows through someone’s skull."

  "I can still be ambushed."

  "Oh. So, the only drawback to your weapon is getting screwed by the game? That’s great design."

  "It is. I’m so glad you noticed."

  Sincerity was sarcasm’s biggest weakness. I sighed and pecked her cheek. "Suppose there's solace in being married to the game's best player."

  "You'll make me blush," she said with feigned modesty. "Not that I need unbalanced mechanics to be successful. I can whoop ass with my bare hands."

  Her Somatic was barely higher than mine. "Not with those stats you can’t."

  "Oh, shut up, Robi—" Char violently shuddered.

  "Cold, love? I can start a fire."

  "No, it's my Danger Sense." She flicked the tip of her ear. "Elf thing."

  "Your character gets more balanced by the second."

  She rolled her eyes. "Shut up and let me focus. There’s something hostile out there, and it’s close." Char’s body and breathing stilled. The tips of her ears pricked, swaying with the light breeze. She abruptly grabbed the back of my neck and yanked me to the ground.

  "Hey–"

  Char covered my mouth and dropped to the ground beside me. "It's almost in the garden," she whispered. "Whatever it is, it’s big. I'm thinking some kind of bear."

  I pulled her fingers away from my mouth. "Not that I’m opposed to fighting Smoky, but isn’t that a bit much for our first combat?"

  "Don’t be such a baby, Robin. You have me to protect you."

  That was almost comforting until I remembered we were equally squishy. A loud footstep sounded ahead. Then a second. A third. I lifted my head just enough to get a look at the thing.

  A two-legged amalgamation of fur and feathers towered above me. The face of an owl with the build of a black bear. It didn’t want for ways to kill me. The curves of its beak looked sharp as its claws and talons. Or, it could just body slam me. No doubt it would chase us if we started running. I really didn't want to test out its speed.

  Owlbear: A nocturnal predator known for its piercing shrieks and sharp claws.

  I was hoping for more concrete information like its health, skills or FLASK distribution. "Charlotte?"

  "Yes, Robin?"

  "What the hell is that?"

  "Owlbear. Can’t you read?" She aimed at its head. "Here's the plan," she whispered. "I shoot it in the head to draw aggro, while you run over there." She cocked her head toward a large bush. "You hide and heal me from a distance. I'll run circles around this thing and pelt him with arrows. Sound good?"

  "No. This is a terrible idea. If it gets you then—"

  Not that she listened. Char’s arrow pierced the owlbear's shoulder. Plumage surrounding its face and torso ruffled. The beast squawked and dropped onto all fours.

  "Then I won't get hit." She quickly kissed my lips and shoved me toward the bush. "Hide and heal, Robin. I'll be fine."

  Char’s lips tasted better here than back home. So succulent, like a perfectly cooked piece of oxtail. I scampered into the bush in a half-daze, thankful it wasn't full of thorns.

  McRobin had twenty mana, which meant there was enough mana and ingredients to make each dish twice. I selected my Kimchi recipe and chose my inventory as the recipient since Char wasn’t injured yet.

  One serving of Kimchi will be prepared in ten seconds.

  Ah, so that’s what prep time meant. Instead of cooldowns, my support came with preparation. Gotta say, wasn’t a fan of that. Last thing I needed was for my pinch healing to be just a smidge too late. Why even program it like that? To simulate cooking time? This was a world with owlbears attacking turnip patches but sure make the cooking semi-realistic. That’ll shut up the critics.

  I prayed Char could win without getting hurt.

  So far, she was making good on her promise. The owlbear swiped, but my wife spun away and launched another arrow into its shoulder. The owlbear lunged, and Char slid between its legs, pelting its underside with a couple more. It squawked and kicked at Char with its back feet. The claws came close but still missed. Char retaliated by taking potshots at its back.

  The owlbear rounded on her. It roared to the heavens with a screech that shook the ground. It wasn’t doing damage to my health, but my eardrums didn’t appreciate it.

  Char let another arrow fly. This one struck home, piercing the jelly of the owlbear’s eye.

  I winced but flashed a thumbs up. Char grinned and gave a little bow.

  With a final cry, the beast toppled onto the turnips. Oh crap, the quest. The poor plants had been trampled by my wife and her prey. A few were salvageable but most were too damaged.

  Char yawned and rested the bow against her shoulder. "That was a lot easier than I thought."

  "Don’t be so sure." I approached the owlbear. "I’m pretty sure our job was to protect the turnips." Ingredients: Owlbear Leg x4, Owlbear Breast x1, Ruffled Plumage x3. "Nothing to loot besides meat and feathers."

  Char’s cockiness faded into a sharp scowl. She squatted beside a patch of trampled turnips. "Think we can hide these?"

  "I think he’d notice if we hid a third of his turnips."

  "No, I mean we kick enough dirt over them to hide the damage."

  "I think you’ve missed your chance."

  The farmer dashed toward us. "I came as soon as the beast went down. Thank you, thank you so much. Are you alright?"

  "Yes." Char barely hid her scowl behind her fake smile. "Just fine."

  "Yeah," I nodded. "Can’t say the same about your turnips, though."

  "What?" He glanced over his garden, and his complexion paled. "What did you do?"

  "Kill the owlbear. You know, the quest," Char snapped.

  "No. The quest was to protect my turnips. Y—you didn’t do that. You caused more damage. I’m sorry, but I can’t pay you for this."

  Char narrowed her eyes. "Excuse me?"

  He gulped. "I mean, not full price anyway." He squatted beside a busted turnip and shook his head. "My turnips won’t survive when the second one attacks."

  "Second one? As in two?" I muttered.

  "That’s what second means, Robin," Char sneered.

  "Okay, first off that tone was uncalled for, and you know it."

  Char bit her lip. "I do, sorry."

  "And two, I’m still surprised there was even one."

  "Yeah, well not like the first one was a…-problem." Her lips twisted into a familiar condescending grin.

  I didn’t like that look. Not. One. Bit. "What’re you scheming?"

  Char winked at me before feigning sympathy for the farmer. "Did I hear you correctly, good sir? There is a second owlbear on the prowl for your turnips?"

  "Yes. Owlbears usually live in pairs. When this one doesn’t return, its mate will come looking for it. The scent will lead right here."

  Char nodded in mock sympathy. "Such a shame–such a damn shame for you to lose the rest of your crops." She hesitated and held up three fingers behind her back. Two. One.

  The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

  "Unless, we kill the second one for you before it gets here. I’m willing to kill both owlbears for the original price of one. To make up for your turnips, of course."

  He gasped again. "You’d do that?"

  Char’s smirk disappeared so quickly I almost thought I imagined it. "Absolutely. Personally, good sir, I can’t think of anything more fulfilling than giving you the help you need."

  But…

  "But, unfortunately, I’m not sure Robin feels the same way. Right, sweetie?"

  It fell on me to be the bad guy. Char’d give me hell if I didn’t go along with her scheme. I groaned and rubbed my shoulder. "Honestly, I’m a bit shaken up after the first one. Fighting a second just to make the money we should’ve already made?" I whistled. "I just don’t know about that."

  "You heard him, good sir." Char clutched my shoulder and rested her head on it. "My dear hubby refuses to do double the work without double the pay." She tapped my shoulder. "I’ve tried my darndest to teach him the error of his ways, but he’ll never put compassion over greed." She shook her head and slid one hand down my back. "He’s such a bad boy."

  The way she said that turned my back into putty.

  "But he is mine, and I have to listen to him. So sorry, good sir. Best of luck with the second owlbear." She turned me around and started walking.

  "You’re despicable," I whispered.

  "No, I’m a go-getter. And unless I get what I want, I’m gonna go."

  "Wa…-wait!"

  Char spun around on a dime. "Yes?" she asked as innocently as possible.

  The NPC adjusted his collar. "I can… pay you more for the second owlbear."

  Char subtly nudged me. I didn’t face him. Keeping my back turned made me seem a bit more callous. "Can you pay us double?"

  "Double?!" he gasped. "N…-no. I can’t afford that."

  Char shook her head but flashed a thumbs up behind her back. "Of course, good sir. My husband’s greed is getting the best of him. What he meant was, ‘what are you willing to offer?’"

  "I can give you the full amount for the first owlbear plus fifteen percent."

  Char’s thumb was still pointing down, so I shook my head. "Twenty percent." The thumb was still down. "No—twenty-five." Still down? Damnit, Char. My wife’s greed scared me sometimes. "Thirty-five percent." There was the thumbs up.

  "Thirty-five percent?" the NPC echoed.

  Char fervently pushed her hand down. Keep pushing?

  "We can always ask for more.," I said.

  That got another thumbs up from Char. She really was despicable.

  "No! I can do thirty-five percent."

  Char turned toward me. "The original amount plus thirty-five percent. Is that good with you, sweetie?"

  I shrugged. "It’ll do."

  ***

  "I can’t believe that actually worked!" Char cackled. "I’m impressed, Robin. You play a greedy scumbag quite well."

  "I learned it from watching you."

  "Pfft." Char rolled her eyes. "He’s just lines of code. Who cares if we rip him off? He’ll get all that money back next time someone tries his quest."

  "That’s like saying it’s okay to rob a convenience store since the owner has insurance."

  "Convenience stores aren’t lines of code, sweetie."

  "He seemed pretty human for a line of code."

  She mockingly repeated what I just said. "See? That’s what you sound like right now."

  "Whatever." I tried to walk ahead, but Char grabbed onto my wrist. "Yes?"

  Char frowned at the ground. "I can’t understand why you care so much about code. He’s literally a string of numbers and letters, programmed to act in a specific way in every—"

  "—Are you getting to a point?"

  She raised her eyes to glare at me; her grip on my wrist grew uncomfortably tight. "My point is that I think this is stupid."

  "I don’t. He looks like a person and acts like a person. So what if he’s made of ones and zeroes? I’m made of cells and atoms. The inside isn’t what matters." I considered what I said for a moment. "You know what I mean."

  Char released my wrist with a sigh. "Fine. I disagree but don’t want to argue if it’s that important to you. So, we don’t have to take all the money. I still want more than the original amount for extra work, but I’m willing to shave some off."

  "Going from thirty-five to thirty-four doesn’t count."

  "Do you really think I’d try to pull that?"

  "I’d be shocked if you didn’t."

  She grinned. "Then you know me too well." She kissed me on the cheek. "I won’t go lower than twenty-five."

  "Twenty-four."

  "Is that lower than twenty-five?"

  "Fine. Twenty-five it is."

  "Agreed." Char grabbed my hand. "Now that we’re not mad at each other, we can enjoy a moonlit stroll."

  The crescent moon hung in the air surrounded by stars and a light veil of fog. It was a bit creepy but fitting for October. Speaking of which, it was still chilly.

  "Cold?" she asked.

  "A little bit."

  "Want to give that firemaking skill a try?"

  I shook my head. "Nah, not that cold. ‘Sides, I want to save mana in case we need it."

  "You’re still worried?" She scoffed. "You saw what I did to the first one, right?"

  "I did, but the second match doesn’t always end the same as the first. Remember Mighty Ducks 2?"

  She groaned. "Got me there."

  "Besides." I touched the small of her back. "I’ll warm up quick beside someone so hot."

  "Stop," she said shoving me off. "We’re mid-quest. Save the flirting for when we’re home."

  "Three whole days? I don’t know if I can last that long."

  Char’s grin was cat-like. "I didn’t mean our home in reality. I programmed us a cabin in the woods where I can have you all to myself. How does that sound?"

  That sounded lovely, actually. "How’s the kitchen?"

  "Modest but with all the amenities. There’s even a vegetable garden, so your produce is fresh."

  "You’re spoiling me."

  "And why shouldn’t I? You spent so much time without me and barely complained. Almost suspiciously so…"

  I rolled my eyes. "Still don’t have a mistress, Char."

  "I know. I know." She tightly squeezed my hand and whispered. "You've been a very good boy."

  Goosepimples sprouted down my arms. Relaxation and excitement surged through me. That smirk of hers was telltale. She knew exactly how those two words hit me.

  "But alas," she sighed. "Business before pleasure."

  We reached the owlbear's cave. My good vibes waned almost immediately. Nervous, sure, but it wasn't fear that ruined my mood. It smelled like horsehair and bird shit. I breathed through my mouth to avoid the smell–eugh, now I tasted it!

  A deep and foreboding bass-heavy cadence started to fill the air. At least our imminent pummeling had a kickass soundtrack.

  "Stay back here, Robin." Char summoned her bow and strung it. "I’ll be right out."

  "That sounds like a terrible idea."

  "You said that last time. Need I remind you how wrong you were?" Char strolled inside. "I’ll run out if it gets dangerous. When it doesn’t, I won’t even say I told you so."

  I followed despite the smell, creepy music, and her persistence. I refused to leave her without a healer. Speaking of which, this was a good time to start preparing those recipes.

  Target unavailable. Inventory may only hold one unique dish at a time.

  Oh. I figured the best way to get around prep time would be stacking dishes before they were needed. Someone on the dev team must have thought the same. Or, someone just really hated the Chef class.

  It took a little over ten seconds to find our target sprawled on its back. Snores rumbled from its throat, echoing throughout the cave. Hopefully it would take critical damage while asleep.

  Char aimed at its head. Her countenance stern, focused. Almost disappointed. Knowing her, she probably was. There was no sport in hunting a sleeping enemy. Her arrow grazed the owlbear's beak. "Whoops." Her ensuing exasperation didn't match her grin. "Looks like I missed."

  Should've seen that coming.

  The owlbear's eyes snapped open. It lunged with unexpected agility; its claws just missed my wife's face.

  Charlotte's second arrow sailed towards the beast's shoulder, but its plumage was too thick to pierce. "This one's stronger than expected." Her confidence flickered, but her excitement stayed true. "Oh, we need to start running!"

  She didn't have to tell me once. I blazed a trail toward the exit with Char on my heels. She fired off a couple more shots while running.

  "You're slowing yourself down, Char, just run!"

  "I'm also slowing it down. Trust me. I—"

  She hadn't slowed it down. Claws raked Charlotte's arm, rending flesh from bone. She didn't scream, but I did. The sound cut into my ears like glass shards.

  One serving of Kimchi provided to MoonHuntress.

  The owlbear's attack depleted about a third of Charlotte's health bar but she was only missing about an eighth after the healing. Still too much.

  I could replace the Kimchi from my inventory and still target Char with another serving.

  Two servings of Kimchi will be prepared in ten seconds.

  Multiple targets didn't increase the prep time. Good to know. At least someone on the dev team didn't completely hate my class.

  Char tightly clutched her injured arm, swearing under her breath while sprinting for the exit.

  But the owlbear was in hot pursuit. We couldn't outrun it. At least not both of us.

  I turned on a dime, brandishing a blazing spoon. Char's face was a mix of befuddlement and excitement. Mine probably wasn't too different. Couldn't deny how excited I was to fry this bird. But definitely befuddled as to how I'd do it.

  Surrounding walls rumbled at its roar. The owlbear bounded forward, swiping with claws and beak. I deftly wielded my makeshift Excalibur to keep the beast at bay but backed into a corner.

  The owlbear’s shadow loomed with the beast not far behind. Its mocking hiss like daggers. It reared back and attempted to bodyslam me. With a real sword, I could've stabbed it mid-slam and made an impromptu shish kebab. Instead, I had to slide between its legs. I avoided the slam but not the smell. Eugh, it was so much worse down there.

  I scrambled onto the owlbear’s back. My feet and free hand struggled to find a grip. It only needed a good couple bucks to knock me off. So I bonked its head with reckless abandon.

  It didn't bother bucking me off. Instead, it opted to slam its back against the cave wall. I didn't feel any pain smooshed between cragged stone and tough feathers, but I was getting woozy quick. We couldn’t feel pain, but motion sickness was fair game? Come on!

  My grip gave out, a consequence of my poor Somatic score. The owlbear stared down at me with glittering eyes and a sharp beak.

  "Is it too late to say sorry for giving you a concussion?"

  It shrieked loudly and ruffled its feathers.

  "No one shrieks at my husband but me!"

  Char couldn't shoot an arrow with one arm but could sure as hell stab with one. She rammed an arrow into the owlbear's leg.

  "Robin, candle me."

  "What?"

  She rolled her eyes. "Light the arrow."

  Oh, sure.

  I cast Firestarter and selected her arrow. Sparks zipped from my finger to the arrow's shaft. Char ducked beneath a beak attack and yanked the blazing arrow up the owlbear’s feathers and flesh until it became lodged in the thigh.

  The owlbear's leg buckled. The beast toppled, but it wasn't dead. Char ripped the flaming arrow out and strung her bow. She didn't miss the eye this time.

  Claws and tails thrashed about, but nothing came close to hitting either of us. Charlotte kicked the arrow further into the eye socket. The owlbear's last smidge of health depleted, and its thrashing came to a sudden stop.

  Char breathed heavily; her eyes burning.

  "Char, you alright?"

  "Yeah." She exhaled deeply. "You?"

  "Okay." I sat up and rested against the rock. Even if I didn't hurt, I didn't feel like getting up.

  Char collapsed into a hug. "You saved me, Robin."

  I shrugged. "You'd do the same for me."

  "I did do the same for you. But you did it first." She rested her head on my chest. "You were right. We should've picked something easier for our first quest."

  "Mhmm."

  "No," she groaned. "This is the part where you say, ‘No, you were right, Char. This was amazing and fun. I've never felt so alive.’" She glared at me. "Nothing?"

  "Nope. Not a single word from those sentences is coming out of my mouth."

  She paused for a moment before scowling. "I was hoping you slipped up, but you actually avoided every word I said."

  "My duty as a husband."

  She flicked my forehead.

  "Ow."

  "My duty as a wife." She kissed the top of my head. "Ready to return to the farmer, or you still need some time?"

  "A few more minutes couldn’t hurt."

  "We’re in agreement then."

  "I don’t think we should stay in an owlbear’s nest, though. We might get attacked by something."

  "We’re fine." She flicked her ears. "Danger Sense, remember? We can stay here as long as we want."

  I glanced uneasily at her arm. "We need to get that checked out."

  "Not until we get our reward."

  "You're seriously that greedy?"

  "No, dummy. We use the reward money to buy bandages. Those are how you mend damaged limbs."

  "Then we should—"

  Char’s good arm tugged on one of mine. "We should lie here and rest."

  "Char…"

  "For a few minutes." She closed her eyes and relaxed. "Then we can make our money plus twenty-four percent."

  "What happened to twenty-five?"

  She grinned. "A moment of weakness. It’s up to twenty-seven."

  After what that thing did to my wife, that didn’t sound so unfair. "Twenty-seven it is." I kissed the top of her head. "Love you, Char."

  "You too, Robin."