Jeb looks as intelligently as he could manage towards Pappy. “Well, uh, dungeons are...magic places with gubbins? And oh, I know this one, monsters!” There was an awkward pause.

  Pappy’s eyes narrowed even further to the point that Egbert thought they might implode at the sheer disappointed energy they were oozing towards his simpleminded grandson. “By the great deep one’s sweet tit, how our family has fallen.” He said in a pained voice.

  Pappy’s disappointment turned back to excitement as the first door opened. “Dungeons, Jeb, are where all the tides and eddies of mana swirl together down into a whirlpool like a great sea beast’s gullet is sucking it all down, and I know you don’t have the sight like me and your pa do, but there sure be a lot of swirling happening right here.” He pointed straight towards the front door.

  Egbert watched as the stampede of hillbillies piled into his hall in an excited clamor. The kids up front clutched coins ominously in their hands. Parents close behind, eyes shining with all the intelligence of a dead fish. And bringing up the rear the venerable elders who apparently once wielded strange magics.

  Egbert would have gasped if he could have, as both Grandma and Grandpa started casting some weird shit. Uhh, if this is what they can do with the scraps of their power, maybe I want to rethink the whole “Wouldn’t it be fun to be a patron?” idea I had.

  Pappy looked like he was covered in sheets of black swirling water in the rough form of armor. There were spectral fish flitting around in it, like his ancient husk was somehow a multidimensional fish tank of nope. The thing he was riding on received a similar barding of semi-solid water that broke space and common sense.

  As they piled through the second door and towards buyer's remorse, Egbert couldn’t even muster the willpower to look at his upward ticking funds. Grandma had transformed. He had heard tales of hauntingly beautiful shifters, mermaids whose mere wink would lure a man to their deaths, forgoing all sense for but a kiss.

  This wasn’t that; this was so much so not that kind of transformation. Grandma looked like someone had stuffed a slightly rotted blobfish on the top of her torso. A single white fish eye glowed with a yellow-green light like the world's grossest torch. And her legs now had a pair of tentacles helping out with the whole walking thing. I...I don’t want to know where those tentacles are attached, do I? Who, or what exactly, was their previous patron? This seems a whole lot less sweet river spirit and a whole lot more eldritch horror from the deep to me.

  The twins excitedly approached Remorse; each had a coin in hand. They met the door's hateful gaze with smiles and denied him the glory of an honorable death once again, each feeding a coin in. Everyone piled into the loot bug room except Grandpa, who was thoughtfully peeking at remorse from inches away while leaning slightly off of his mount. “Hmmmm…”

  Remorse tried to shuffle slightly farther away by swinging back on his hinges as Pappy’s acrid mouth came far, far too close to the mimic’s eye. Dear gods, the mimic thinks he's going to eat him. Wait, he isn't going to eat my mimic, is he? Don’t do that! At least let the little failure go out fighting a drunken dwarf or something, not killed by cursed anchovies.

  Jeb was running around like an absolute madman, like he tended to do, hastened far beyond his ability to maneuver properly. One of the hyperactive twins blazed past him, though, showing surprising dexterity as they nearly caught Bubba before one of the pillars clipped a knee and they went into a short, violent tumble. Tammy was grumbling to herself quietly, watching the others maim themselves at inappropriate speeds.

  Grandma squelched her way into the very center of the loot bug playground and spread her droopy arms wide like she was entreating an otherworldly power, her staff held high in one hand. Huh...don't you just want to use the haste shrine instead? I for one vote we just pay the dungeon. No more eldritch bullshit, please?

  Eldritch bullshit started gathering from the corners of the room as the bits of moisture that had gathered in the cave answered the deep gurgling croon Grandma had begun. Goddammit, why? Can I have the drunk knight back, please? She slowly placed both fleshy hands on either side of her staff and then let it snap from them to hang ominously in the air above and before her, spinning in an erratic spiral.

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  Jeb pulled himself up from a scraped heap and stared at the ritual playing out in sheer reverence. “She calls upon the teat of the deep one!” He whispered in awe. Tammy had lowered her head in respect of the strange ritual. As did all the others except Grandpa, who looked over in annoyance.

  [Mana Offering Made]

  [Accept]

  [Reject]

  Absolutely not! I am not becoming the world's first inbred pond-themed dungeon! Egbert mentally slapped decline as fast as he could and as hard as he could.

  Grandpa trotted over. “Edith, stop this nonsense. Our great patron, long may his ever-giving tits reign, has gone. You have to stop doing this every time we go somewhere with more than a touch of magic to it; it gives the young ones false hope.” The magic built to an even deeper crescendo before every drop of water in the room blooped with a single disappointing bubble, and the spell ended.

  Edith swung her fishy face towards him. “Hank, just because you have given up doesn’t mean I have too!” She burbled out somehow through her gills.

  “That’s right, the Deep Pond Folk shall rise again!” Jeb shouted passionately from the other side of the room just seconds before tripping over the "get fucked" tripping hazard directly next to the pitfall trap. He let out a shrill scream as he tumbled ass over teakettle straight into the pit. The rather unhealthy-sounding thump of him hitting the bottom was accompanied by the amused hisses of the surrounding loot bugs.

  Egbert quickly looked at his funds; they had been dropping coins into that haste shrine like it was a gold bar dispenser for a little while now.

  [Silver 8]

  It is time! Jeb, if this kills you, know that I will certainly feel a small measure of guilt. I will be taking the rest of your gold fillings though. Egbert dramatically scrolled back to the loot bug Bully, giving himself a little drum roll as the information popped up before him again.

  [Loot Bug Bully](8 Silver)

  You took his brothers for their shells; now he's going to take your shit and probably beat the hell out of you. He will mostly leave adventurers alone after they are broke, bruised, and thoroughly embarrassed. Powered by spite and armored with the, well, armor of their enemies, these things are tough but rarely lethal. I said rarely lethal before, but based on the attitude problems your NORMAL loot bugs have gotten after a few days, this thing might well end up a man-eater in under a week.

  He slapped the purchase button and focused on trying to make it spawn in the pit. He braced for the thud as the big angry brother of his most loyal subject materialized in a golden flash; there was no thud. What the fuck? Did I just get scammed? The bully plopped down into the pit next to where Jeb was crying softly, having lost once again to the cruel mistress that was gravity.

  It was bigger than a normal loot bug…barely, about the size of a closed fist, and its shell was a steely grey with swirls of gold strewn throughout. Overall, Egbert was not even remotely impressed yet with the single most expensive purchase he had made in this life. You better do something dramatically awesome, or I'm naming you Buyer's Remorse Two Point Oh.

  Jeb looked it dead in its eyes from his place on the floor about the same time as his family peeked over the edge to see if he was still alive. Egbert was waiting for it to hiss or hum angrily like the other loot bugs did. So far it was just staring at Jeb from very close to his face with a weird squat stance, antenna jerking around madly.

  The bully suddenly locked onto Jeb. A terrifyingly shockingly deep sound came from it: “Hu. Hu...HUUU.” It laughed ominously. I mayyy have spoken too soon...proceed, bully, proceed.

  Jeb scrambled to his feet in a panic. “Oh Gods git! Git!!” He shook his foot towards the squat bug, trying to scare it off. It didn’t so much as budge an inch. “Tammy, pull me up; there is something really wrong with this one!”

  Tammy looked in with a crinkled expression, fishing a rope from her pack. “You ain’t wrong, Jeb; that one looks right ornery!” She raised a hand suddenly, trying to warn him. The bully hit him right on the shin with a sudden, merciless headbutt that took his leg right out from under him, slapping him back against the stone floor with a really unhealthy sound.

  Dammit, I wish I had popcorn!

  Jeb tried to push it away as it clambered onto him. It just bit the shit out of the offending hand and scuttled up to his face, staring him dead in his eyes from its perch on his nose. “HU.HU.HU…” It headbutted him right in the eyeball. Damn! I take it all back...you might be meaner than even the description suggested.

  The bully then began just rifling through the absolute shit out of Jeb's limp body, pulling apart pockets and tossing things around haphazardly until it nodded approvingly at a few fishing hooks, and they suddenly snapped onto its shell with a sharp clack. Then it dove into his backpack with a grunt, tearing right through the side instead of using the drawstring.

  Edith snapped a slime-trailing tendril down into the pit with a flash of a briny yellow-green mana. It wrapped around Jeb’s unconscious form and hoisted him unceremoniously from the floor and upward. The Bully immediately burst from a new hole in the back and angrily addressed her from his prey's forehead.

  “GAAHH” It grumbled out shockingly loudly, followed by an angry hum that sounded more like a normal loot bug noise if it came from a drunken elephant. Tammy hit it square in the face with a magical purple tentacle, like a whip from the deep sea gods themselves, absolutely pinging it off the nearest pillar. It bounced off two more walls, cracking them slightly; it was moving so fast. I swear to all the gods, Tammy, if you just killed eight silver worth of grumpy on its big debut, we are going to have problems!

  Everyone, Egbert included, jumped as the very much so unhurt but INCREDIBLY pissed Bully hit the wall just below Jeb at roughly the speed of "fuck you." An entire chunk of the pit wall exploded everywhere in a shower of gravel and dust, and a crack ran all the way up to the top, nearly tipping Edith into the pit. There we go! That's the kind of reaction I like to see when people are cheap bastards and don’t use the very reasonably priced ladders!

  Hank looked cautiously over the edge as everyone else ushered Jeb to safety. “Well damn, I don’t think we are getting that backpack back without a fight.” The Bully vibrated aggressively inside it, still violently rifling through its contents after all its prey had escaped. Hank looked towards everyone else. “Okay, kiddos, today’s field trip is over. Uncle Jeb needs healing…again.” Aww, you are all just giving up because of one little concussion its not like it did that much to him. I don’t think he has any brain cells left to lose anyway.

  Egbert grumbled a bit to himself as they all filed out; it had been a fun and eventful but brief stay. Didn't even try the fireball room. I bet the kids would love the fireballs...and I have no damn coins to play with! Where is my party of drunken dwarven artificers, Max!?

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