While most texts cite the odds of awakening as one in a thousand, the blame for that lies with the commoners. Lineage is a major factor, the percentage ruined by the experiments on trying to awaken commoners.

  In royal and imperial families, the odds of someone not awakening are meagre. Even in the established minor noble families the chances of getting a trueborn heir are around one-in-ten, if not better.

  — Excerpt from Observations on Commoners

  Day 212, 4:26 PM

  Somehow, I failed. I was under the impression Jade Tenson was interested, but apparently the chemistry that developed between us in the seventh loop, one which I didn’t act on, didn’t carry through in the next loop.

  It was possible she was attracted to me not caring and ignoring her, while she played hard to get when I showed honest interest. Whatever the case, it was a new experience, and I redid the loop after getting all the knowledge I could from her.

  It might be my wounded male pride, or simple pettiness, but I could mask either with practicality. I shared too much with Jade Tenson. No groundbreaking secrets, but she knew about my extraordinary physical ability, as well as all my eight elements and ability to cycle between them.

  While it may be strange that I was willing to share those secrets with someone I was emotionally attached to, I found it something defining me as a normal human. The need to have someone with whom you can share, someone you trust. It was the biggest reason I needed Manny so much. She shared everything with me, and I in turn shared everything with her.

  While I longed for such a relationship born out of despair, the circumstances of creating that kind of bond were unique, and our bond was possibly something unique altogether. Something I will never experience again until I find her and awaken her memories.

  Instead of heading to Jade Tensen’s hospital, in this loop, I headed over to the adventurers’ guild and sat at the corner table for two.

  “What will it be, sir?” The young waitress asked.

  “Do you have anything that can get a fifth realm knight hammered?”

  She blinked at me. “I don’t know? I can ask.”

  “Please do.”

  She nodded and went over to talk to the guildmaster. The muscular old man looked at me and abandoned his bar.

  “What’s up?” He pulled a chair and sat across from me.

  “Thinking about things I’ve lost and won’t ever recover.”

  He gave me a wretched smile. “Plenty of fish in the sea, young man. And they are all the same after you turn off the lights.”

  I couldn’t help but find it funny that someone only three or four centuries old was calling me a young man. Still, I didn’t have it in me to chuckle. Not when She was on my mind.

  “You’re doing a poor job of providing me with alcohol.” I sighed. “What I’m looking for isn’t the action in the dark, but the face that smiles at me in the morning. I’d burn the world for her.”

  The guildmaster stared at me for a moment. “Well, I have a flame wine from Firesahun guaranteed to floor you, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

  “How much?”

  “Two third realm crystals per bottle. But one bottle should knock you out for a week if not kill you outright.”

  I sighed. “Bring me two bottles and take the manarium off my account.”

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  The guildmaster scoffed, certainly thinking me a braggart, but he went to get me my wine.

  The damn poison burned like lava as it passed through my throat and landed in my guts like a hammer. And yet, it had a sharp, fruity taste. I threw another glass down my throat, then another, the guildmaster gaping at me.

  My head was slightly fuzzy by the time I finished off my second bottle. Advanced Poison Tolerance was killing most of the toxicity, doing me a disfavor by keeping my head mostly clear.

  “This is stupid.” I stood, leaving two empty bottles and a stunned guildmaster in my wake as I left the guild. I wandered the streets until I reached a familiar place, the river roaring beyond the walls.

  It was dark, my mood foul, and walking up to see the place where the amateur oracle died just from looking at me made it even fouler. What was the point? Why was I even alive? Why did I struggle to live instead of just going through an endless death spiral?

  “Well, for one, you’re running away from pain,” I told myself.

  I was living for a vague hope I would find the love of my life and have enough power to change the world to fit us. To let us live together.

  “I’m just making up for my failures.” I leaned against the railings, looking at the swirl of water mana, crashing and clashing with earth and air.

  What I was looking for was what I missed, what I didn’t see and didn’t do when I had the chance.

  “I’m tired. Tired and angry.” I looked at the raging river below. I didn’t need wine. No, what I needed was comfort and peace of mind.

  I had spent years, decades pushing myself, and I was close to snapping. Superficial distractions such as fine food, alcohol, and prostitutes were just a veil of false, hollow pleasures. The only thing that really mended my heart in this world was Ruby. I was seeking an upgrade in Jade, and I could have found it perhaps, but it slipped through my fingers. And redoing until I get what I want would only make my pain worse and my soul more hollow.

  I looked up, and the stars were bright. The sky lacked the decency to even grace me with a thunderstorm so I could roar and rage. What do I do with my life?

  For a moment, I considered jumping, but even if I did, I would almost certainly survive, and even if I didn’t, I’d just wake up in pain, in a new dying body. There was no way out. I was trapped.

  I sat down on a bench, staring at the night sky. Suddenly, I understood everything. Why I went to hell, the eons I spent there, the torment of existing without a goal just moving forward in a line was my sentence, slapping my parole officer was my folly.

  But the life I was living was no different. Once you know all the pleasures, once you have seen all the endless sights, what is left? Hell? Hell ain’t a bad place, Hell is from here to eternity. There was a song like that an eternity ago. Maybe the author was onto something.

  My heartcore shook, or perhaps it was my heart, and I attributed it to the mythical organ instead of the real one. Whatever the case, I recalled that genuine smile, the worry and sorrow in his eyes.

  What did Newstar try to do? Did he try to break my curse? No, I don’t think so. Breaking my class or whatever kept me in my perpetual cycle meant he knew I was weak deep down, and the weakness of my heart was something I wouldn’t share with anyone. Not until I overcame it.

  That thought brought a sliver of hope. How to overcome the void of my existence? When you achieve all your goals, setting a new artificial one is no less hollow than visiting prostitutes when seeking love.

  Maybe I should go to Hailstown and settle down with Ruby. The thought immediately disgusted me, bile rising up my throat. It was nothing but another escape. It would be sweet for a while, but it would be the sweetness of rot.

  And yet, those emotions told me there was a way. If I were truly dead inside, I wouldn’t have felt disgusted with myself. So, a solution existed, which was enough to lift my spirits. If there was a way out of the mire I found myself in, I could find it. But I had to change something.

  What if I tried to help the community? I would’ve scoffed at the thought possibly even hours ago, certainly a life or two ago, but what if? A part of me believed humans should help themselves, that nobody except yourself could offer help. They might have means or suggestions, but the effort was up to you.

  I thought about it, the clouds still nowhere in sight. Where’s a good, soul-soaking downpour when you need it?

  Everrain was better, more accommodating to gloomy moods, but I pressed on. While I still believed I couldn’t solve anyone’s problem, I could nudge or advise or offer an exit. I doubted that the happiness of others could fill the void in my heart, the utter lack of reason to live, but it was worth a shot.

  An experiment more genuine than running back to Ruby’s embrace or finding a new woman to get attached to because I lacked one.

  I stood and cracked my back. I had wasted four third realm manarium crystals on booze, and I knew I would redo the loop. Time spent sharpening the ax is never wasted.

  With that thought, I started doing research into the problems the city faced, its crimes and villains. Some form of underground was necessary, but random murderers and rapists not so much. I didn’t make any ripples until Redo became available, but I had a list of crimes I wished to stop, lives I wished to save, and with that I headed to the rumor-house, hoping to stop at least some of them.